Renewing My Mind

"Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions."

I know I used that quote in another entry, but I can't get it out of my head here lately...my church has been working on our new website, and a phrase we're using that sums up what our church is about is "Giving the life of Jesus to the world." To me Christianity is not about a religion, but a relationship. Really relationships. The most important is the relationship I have with God, but then that relationship should spill over into all the others in my life. Everything I do should be a reflection of my relationship with Him. And I know for a fact I am guilty of not doing that. I have not done a very good job of giving the life of Jesus to the world. I realized that the other day that maybe one of my biggest problems at work is my mindset. Yes, a lot has been thrown at me, and yes there are people I have to deal with that aren't the easiest to get along with, but if I changed my mindset about everything that would make a big difference. I don't think it will eliminate all unpleasantness, but it would definitely make things more bearable. A verse that has been mentioned a lot lately is Romans 12:2: "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." The part sticking out to me the most at this time being "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." I don't think that's a one time thing either. Maybe I am successful in one situation, but I have to be on guard for the next time and the next time, and really focus on having the right mindset until it becomes the mindset I always have...sort of forming a habit. I had a little bit of a meltdown today. The school year is winding down. We have 22 more school days, but in that time I still have 6 IEP meetings to hold. I've gotten them all scheduled, but I need to actually do the paperwork. VBS is coming up very quickly and I'm not prepared for that at all. I have a sister with a big birthday coming up and another sister graduating high school. I'm working on writing the children's church curriculum that we're going to use when we finish up the unit we're on right now. I'm constantly planning for something. On top of all that I have a house to keep clean that I'm also trying to get painted..and then I'm supposed to take care of myself somewhere in there. I feel like I barely stay on top of the stuff I know about, and then it seems lately that there are constantly things popping up that I had no way to see coming. For example, Calliope, my puppy has been sick since yesterday. I thought that she'd started getting better, but I was wrong. I don't know what is wrong with her, and I don't like not being able to fix things. I've spent a large portion of the time I was home yesterday and today cleaning up what's left behind from her sickness. At one point I was laying on the floor next to her crying because I was sure I'd reached the end of what I could handle. I decided to call my sister, Jessica, and she was kind enough to come over. I really just didn't want to be alone, but she went above and beyond. She helped me get some pedialyte in Calli so she doesn't get dehydrated before I can get her to the vet in the morning, and then she cleaned my kitchen while I continued cleaning up after Calli in my living room and bedroom. And most importantly she prayed with me before she left. I needed that because it helped me get ahold of myself, instead of running around kinda like a crazy person not actually getting anything done. As I was getting my room in order I was thinking about how stressed I get at the little unexpected things that pop up, and that quote at the top came to mind. Jesus came and did His thing on this earth knowing that what He was ultimately headed towards was a brutal, painful death on a cross. He never had a freak out moment though. He didn't ever say, "I'm sorry blind man, I can't heal you, that wasn't in my plan for the day." He rolled with whatever came at Him. And if I'm trying to have His mindset that's what I need to be doing. Even at my crazy job, or when my puppy is sick. I've been counting down to the end of the school year, ready for next year and a clean slate. I think I need to focus on finishing this school year out strong, and starting everyday with a clean slate instead of waiting til next year. I don't think Jesus ever laid on the floor crying over his helplessness, so I'm going to work on not doing that anymore either :)

All Things New

This is somewhat a continuation of yesterday's post... I didn't want that one to be any longer than it was though :). I like for things to be clean. I am actually a person who finds some sort of weird enjoyment in cleaning the bathroom, but only because I like watching it become clean. I've been working on updating my house and making it my own, and it's a long process as I save money for different things and then actually find time to paint and all that. I've gotten base coats painted in my living room and kitchen. The living room coat was "interesting" to paint because it was a white base coat going on a white wall. However, there is already a big difference in the room because the walls are now incredibly clean. There were a few places where there were some chips of paint missing, places where dirty hands had touched the wall, and now they are all covered in clean, beautiful paint (I am adding a color over the white, fyi, just haven't gotten around to it). It's like my living room and kitchen have a new life.

I have never been one that can quote Scripture off the top of my head. I know people that seem to have a verse for anything and everything, they can even tell you where it's found. I can maybe give a poor paraphrase of a verse and just tell you that it's in there somewhere. A few times here lately I've noticed that a certain verse or group of verses will be on my mind a lot, so I always look them up to get clear in my head exactly what it says. "Oddly" enough I will end up needing those verses in a situation, or to share with someone...funny how that works, huh? The other day the verse that talks about becoming new creation came to mind, so I looked it up, and the whole passage around that verse stuck out to me.

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet we know Him in this way no longer. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled Himself to us through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Something else about God that completely amazes me is that even though He knew long before I was born that I would do all sorts of things that would disappoint and hurt Him He still chose to create me. Before God even made people He knew that sin would enter the world, that the punishment for sin was eternal separation from Him, and that the way for Him to save us would be to sacrifice His only Son...AND HE STILL CREATED US! But He didn't stop at creation, He did send His Son, and through accepting His sacrifice we are made new, given new life, like my walls. In Isaiah it talks about how we are all unclean, that even our righteousness is like filthy rags (according to people much smarter than me the filthy rags are the equivalent of menstrual rags, which is pretty nasty...so you get the picture that we are dirty people?). However, in Isaiah it also talks about how Jesus was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, and that by His stripes we are healed. (Side note: A recent new friend of mine designs and sells tshirts, and he has a pretty awesome one from that passage in Isaiah, check his stuff out at fhscmerch.storenvy.com...or find him on facebook under Bryan Conway :) I realize there are a lot of big words in all those verses, like reconciliation, iniquity, transgression..but it all boils down to He made us, we let Him down, He loves us and He took our punishment so that we can be made new (and clean!). I don't know about you, but I really felt His love for me pouring out of those verses in 2 Corinthians. But those verses don't stop with us being made new, it also says that we are to be His ambassadors, making the appeal on God's behalf that others be reconciled to Him as well. His gift isn't one for us to accept and then stop there, we need to be making it known to anyone and everyone we can. We've got THE BEST thing ever, and we should be sharing it with the lost and hurting world that could use a new, clean start!

Overwhelming love

When I sit and really think about the things God has done for me and how much He loves me it takes my breath away. There are so many little things throughout the day that I know are expressions of His love, and even if I've had a bad day when I look at those "little" things they add up, and it's as if all the bad things just fade away. I think that's one of my favorite things about how God works, in the small seeming insignificant moments...it doesn't always have to be this huge display.
One of my favorite Old Testament passages is 1 Kings 19. Elijah has just had the mountaintop face off with the prophets of Baal, and has emerged victorious. However, he is in hiding and begging God to take his life because Jezebel is out to get him. He prays for death, then lies down to sleep under a tree. An angel comes and wakes him up, and tells him to eat (food has appeared on the rock). It happens a second time and then he heads to Horeb (aka Mt. Sinai). He's up there in a cave and God comes and asks, "What are you doing here?" Elijah talks about how he has been very zealous for the Lord, even though the sons of Israel have turned against Him, and that he is the only one left. God tells him to go stand on the mountain because He is going to pass by, and these are my favorite verses from this chapter: "And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of gentle blowing." (vs. 11&12) When Elijah heard the gentle blowing he covered his face, and then a voice came again asking him what he was doing there. He repeats what he said earlier, and God gives him instructions that include a promise that Elijah will not be the only faithful one left. I love verses 11 &12, because there is all this loud thundering and destruction, and then God comes in the gentle blowing. I think people miss that a lot. They feel like they aren't hearing anything from God, but that's because they are looking for Him in some sort of big display of power. That's not to say that God doesn't work in big displays, I believe He does, however I think more often it's the little moments that we can see Him and feel Him.
One of my favorite times of day is when I drive to work in the morning. Not because I love being up that early, and not because I'm always super excited to go to work, but because I get to see the sun coming up in my rearview mirror. I LOVE sunrises (and sunsets)...really the sky is one of my favorite parts of creation, I really enjoy the night sky and seeing all the stars as well. No matter how many sunrises or sunsets I have seen I am always in awe of the beauty and colors. I hope that never changes. It's always calming to me when I see the sun coming up, and I feel very loved in that moment.
I've also noticed a lot of these little moments at work as well. It never fails that at a moment when I think I've reached the end and just can't take it anymore one of my kids will say or do something so sweet, or maybe just funny and it shakes me out of the funk I'm in. I feel like it's God saying, "Hey, I got this, now calm down!" Those moments are so precious to me, because I know they are from Him. I could list examples forever of God's love coming to me in the "gentle blowing". I've felt very overwhelmed by His love this week, when I keep my mind on what He has done for me and the many, many blessings He has provided...especially since I am so very undeserving. "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You." Psalm 63:3

Something More

I'm going to warn you now that there are going to be quite a few quotes, and song and movie references here :). I don't know exactly where to start, there are things I've been thinking about for awhile now, and some that are newer, and they all somehow tie together- even if I maybe can't make the connection right now- so I apologize if I bounce from thing to thing. I went to Acquire the Fire with my youth group (I went as a sponsor, I was not trying to pass as a youth like my dad accused me of doing lol) last weekend, and the main thing they talked about was identity and where we are finding our identity. I realized about three years ago that I'd been finding my identity in the wrong things- mainly relationships I was in- and have been working to change that since. At ATF I realized I still haven't finished working on that. Though I'm not seeing my identity so much in my relationships anymore, I do find myself finding it in the things I do- being a teacher or doing children's ministry stuff, for example. My relationships with my family, friends, and others are not bad things, and being a teacher and children's minister are not bad things either..finding my identity in them is a bad thing though. ALL of those things can go away, and then what would I be left with? This leads me to finding my identity in Christ, and being who HE says I am and seeing myself as He sees me. If my identity is found in Jesus, then my life should be a reflection of that, correct? Perfection would be me living a life that constantly shows Christ and His love to everyone around me. Clearly, I am not a perfect person...but that is what I should be working for nonetheless. Being Christlike is something I've struggled with for many, many years. How exactly am I supposed to be just like Jesus? A big area I struggled with was my thoughts, because I didn't see how I could constantly think about Jesus. We're always told "keep your eyes on Him" or "focus on Him"...I don't know how to do that 24/7 and not just sit in a dark room doing nothing else. Somewhere I came across this quote that has greatly helped me with this: "Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions." I like to think of it as the "WWJD" of thoughts. "What would Jesus think?" When I catch myself going off on some rampant in my mind, I try to slow down and see it from His perspective instead. This is definitely still a work in progress for me, but it really changes things and affects my attitude in a positive way. Finding my identity in Christ has to start inside, I think, because just talking about it means nothing. You know that whole "Actions speak louder than words" bit? In Luke 6:45 it says, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." So, to really live a life reflecting an identity found in Christ we need to start with our hearts and our minds. Which means we also have to look at what we're putting into our hearts and our minds, because what goes in is going to come out eventually. Like the verse in Luke says, if we have good stored up then that's what will come out, and if it's evil...we get the picture.

I guess this goes to part two of what I'm dealing with right now. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life :). I've got a bachelor's degree, and I'm in my second year of teaching, but I don't know that I want to teach forever. And I don't know if that is even what I'm supposed to do forever. I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my master's degree (I actually found something I'm very interested in possibly pursuing)...it's something I go through everyday. I used to think I knew the plan for my life- clearly I do not. There are many other things I'd be doing right now if the plans I thought I knew had panned out. I've always known I wanted to do something that was helping others. That has always been something I enjoy doing. And if it's something I'm capable of doing, then I believe I should do it. That's also something that has caused some problems for me, I like to be able to "fix" things. For instance, when a friend of mine has something going on I want to fix things so they don't have to deal with it anymore...not usually my place to fix things, and I've had to learn that the hard way. I acknowledge that I'm not going to go out and fix all the problems in the world, BUT I know Someone that can and I can at least share Him with the world. I watched the Blindside a week ago (I'm behind, I know), and that story got me to thinking. I know there are a lot of kids in this area that are in similar situations, and I want to do something about it. I went to a Fight the Fade show last night (if you don't know who Fight the Fade is you need to look them up! They're on facebook and myspace), and I had the opportunity to pray with a girl who responded during the altar call. She just turned 13 last week, and has only been a Christian for a year. This girl has been through a lot in her life, to include losing a sister last year, and living with a mother who is an on again off again drug addict. She sat down with me, and just poured out all this stuff that she is dealing with and wanted prayer for. I wanted to cry, but she just shared it. It wasn't like she didn't care, but she has accepted that this is what she has to deal with and she's really handling it all exceptionally well for a 13 year old. I think she really needed to talk to someone, and she really needed to know someone else was praying for her on those things. Anyway, there were a few things that she said that really struck me. For one, she said that after her sister died that got her thinking about what she was living for and what will happen to her when she dies and that is why she went to church and got saved. She told me that her mom is mad at God and that she blames Him for taking her sister away. And she told me that she told her mom that there was a purpose for her sister being taken away, and that she believes part of that purpose was her own salvation. The fact that she realizes that at 13 amazed me. Also, she was talking about how her mom won't let her go to church on Sundays, so she only gets to go on Wednesday nights when her other sister takes her, and that she wants to keep up with church, and praying and reading her Bible, because she wants to tell everyone she can about God and what He did for her. Again, this from the mouth of a 13 year old. I was extremely encouraged by what she shared, that despite the hurt she was dealing with and all the hard things going on in her life, she just wanted to share Jesus with anyone and everyone, and I told her that. I prayed with her and for her, but it ended up being a big blessing to me too. All this to say, I want to do something more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I just want more than a life of just working and living. "There must be more than this provincial life" to quote Belle in Beauty and the Beast :). There are some things floating in my head, but they are not quite ready to be shared with the general public. However, that's something you, if you've read this far, can pray with me about. For clear guidance and direction. I know all these crazy ideas aren't in my head for no reason. There are people to be reached, and I'm with the girl I prayed with last night- I just want to tell everyone what God has done for me and what He can do for them!

Moving On

As I was originally going through the thoughts that are this blog post they were going to be listed more as questions that I wanted some input on. I was a little concerned about making some of these questions public because then I'd be getting pretty personal, and would reveal some struggles I have that maybe I'm not so ready to reveal. However, I said that was part of the point of this blog, for me to be more transparent..and real, I suppose. Anyway, they were going to be questions for whoever might read this and care to share their input to share away, but I decided to do some of my own research with Someone that has all the answers, first. If you do happen to read this and have something to add, please do so, by all means. I've realized that I'm not very good at forgetting things and moving on. I always analyze EVERYTHING. Causes me a lot of problems too. You'd think that since I realize I do this I'd stop, but apparently it's not that easy. I find myself analyzing why I analyze...it's just a vicious cycle. My questions were: how do you forget the hurts and insecurities and move on? And if someone has hurt me, I say I have forgiven them, but I don't forget the pain does that mean I haven't really forgiven them? I was talking with my 18 year old cousin the other day (so weird to me that he's 18..and this was really an out of the blue conversation), about how we can't hold onto our past. That we can't get so focused on the past, and the "could've been/should've been". That we need to take whatever lesson we can learn from our experiences and then continue on. As I was saying these things I realized that I was saying them more to myself than anyone. There are things I've thought I've forgiven, let go of, or moved on from- some from quite a ways back- that I apparently haven't. I am my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic. Anytime I disappoint myself I immediately bring up all those old things and beat myself down with them. Which just makes getting up again harder each time, because there are all the new things on top of the old. There are some areas where this is really becoming a big hindrance in things that I know I am supposed to be doing. A couple of years ago I read "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. One of the biggest things I remember from that book is that they said you cannot fully experience God's love unless you love yourself and allow Him to love you. His love is a free gift (to me, it cost Him His Son), but I have to accept it. When I bring up my old hurts and insecurities I am not loving myself, and most certainly not allowing Him to love me. To answer my second question up there, I'm afraid that if I hold onto the hurt another has caused me I haven't truly forgiven them, as much as I may say I have. In answer to my first question, here is some of the Scripture I came across:

"For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! The world above or the world below cannot! Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"Hope never makes us ashamed because the love of God has come into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:5

"God gave us these two things that cannot be changed and God cannot lie. We who have turned to Him can have great comfort knowing that He will do what He has promised. This hope is a safe anchor for our souls. It will never move. This hope goes into the Holiest Place of All behind the curtain of heaven." Hebrews 6: 18-19

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

One thing that stood out to me in the verses from Romans 8 is that it said that life cannot get in the way of the love God has for us. That seems an odd thing to say at first. We think of death as stopping things, but life is when things happen. But we can let life get in the way...but even me and my silly analyzing and beating myself down can't stop the love of God. And nothing anyone else says or does to me can stop His love. Thank You, Lord, for that! The verses from Hebrews 6 came to mind as I was reading the Romans verses. My youth group in Germany sang a song that said, "We have this hope, as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure, we have this anchor for our souls." One of my favorite Building 429 songs says, "When everything else is changing, You are constant. Lifting my eyes to see far beyond this misery." (Constant) 1 John 4 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I read it a lot a few years ago when I was struggling with some things, and I posted it again here as a reminder to myself. If I am letting God love me, then I won't have to deal with those hurts and insecurities and I can truly move on!

The Lost Get Found

Yesterday I discovered that I had misplaced the cd-rom that contains our children's church curriculum. I had every other disc in the pack, with all the demonstrations and sound effects and what not, but without the cd-rom it didn't matter. I needed it to get Julie the materials for this Sunday because she is filling in for me while I'm out of town. At first I was slightly annoyed that I couldn't find it. I don't usually misplace things. In fact, I'm the one people usually come to to find things. I've just always been pretty good at finding things. Can't tell you how many times I found my roommates id card when it was missing (always check under your keyboard!). I didn't have a lot of time to look for the disc at first, so I checked a few places I thought I might have set it and decided to come back to it later. I went to church last night and as I was there I was running through everywhere I thought it might be. I got home and I tore my house apart looking for it. I moved furniture, I lifted every piece of paper that was anywhere. I looked under every table, dresser, desk...nothing. At this point I was very frustrated (side note: Roscoe was being very hateful during this time which was not helping). I finally gave up and went to bed, knowing that I'd absolutely have to find it when I got home from work today. Again I tore my house apart, I looked everywhere I'd looked last night, in every bag I own, in every drawer. I even looked in rooms I KNEW it was not. It was nowhere to be found. At this point I'm ready to cry. I have felt so absentminded and forgetful lately, and that is frustrating to me, because I used to be able to say I had a mind "like a steel trap" haha. I blame stress and lack of sleep for my current state. I decided to drive down to the church to see if for some reason I'd left it there, even though I was 99.9% positive I'd never taken it to the church. At this time I'm also wondering why on earth this is happening. I believe everything happens for a reason, so a lot of times I find myself wondering "what is the point in this?" On my way to the church I thought to check in the box of VBS stuff that has been in the backseat of my car for over a week now. It ocurred to me that I'd taken the cd out of my computer, but couldn't remember where I'd set it after that. I got to the church, pulled the box up in the seat next to me, and there it was in the case with my VBS clipart discs. I felt a little foolish for how frantic I'd gotten over such a small thing, and I think that was part of the purpose..need to work on keeping my cool. However, as I drove back home (another side note: I did have some donations to drop off at the church for Cinderella's Closet, so my drive down there wasn't totally pointless :) ) I was reminded of the story of the prodigal son. My senior year of high school (sometimes seems like it was yesterday, and sometimes seems like it was FOREVER ago), my youth group went on a trip to Ibiza, Spain with other youth groups in the area for spring break. The speaker that week talked about the woman that loses her one coin, the shepherd that loses his one sheep, and then the main story for the week was the prodigal son. The woman has ten coins, but she loses one and pretty much tears her house apart until she finds it, THEN she calls her friends and has a party because she found her coin. The shepherd has 100 sheep, and one goes missing. He goes out, risks his life, and doesn't return until he has found that one sheep, then he calls his friends and celebrates with them over finding his lost sheep. In the story of the prodigal son a rich man's son asks for his inheritance early. The son goes out and wastes it, eventually ending up eating the slop that pigs eat. He realizes that servants in his father's home eat better than that, so he returns home hoping to get a job as a servant. Instead his father is waiting there with open arms and throws a huge party because his lost son has returned home. What if we put that sort of intensity and emotion into seeking out the lost of this world? One of the very last things Jesus left us with was the Great Commission: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit..." (Matthew 28: 19) I was about to cry over a lost cd...what about the people that die daily who are lost for eternity. Think about losing your phone, or your keys, or your wallet...how do you feel when you realize it's lost? How do you feel when you're searching for it? And then how do you feel when you find it? I said earlier that I've been feeling very absentminded, and my thoughts have just been very confused lately, but this was something I thought about very clearly and it kinda shocked me. So, what if we start seeing lost people like we see something we value when it's lost? That requires a whole different way of thinking, but I think it's an extremely important change to make. By the way, all those parables about the lost items are in Luke 15 if you want to check them out!

Love God (check). Love People (....).

I realize that title maybe makes me sound like a not so nice person. Surprise, surprise, I'm not a perfect person (Hoobastank anyone? ha). This is something I've been thinking about a lot here lately. As a Christian it is very easy to say, "Yes, I love God." It may even be "easy" to live out that love. And sure it's easy to SAY "Yes, I love people," but actions speak louder than words... Think of the people you love. Most will include family and friends. Maybe you would even say you love people in general. I tend to feel that way. I definitely love my family and friends, and I don't generally harbor ill feelings towards humanity as a whole. Before I say anything else about various types of people and difficulty with loving them, a refresher on what love is. (side note: if you ever read my posts on myspace, which I no longer have, some of this may sound familiar. I apologize for the redundancy, but it's clearly something important, and things haven't changed.) Anywho. The Bible is full of talk of love, what it means, how to demonstrate it and all that. 1 Corinthians 13 is well known as the "love chapter", and lays it out pretty clear:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek out its own, is not provoked, does not take into account of wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." (vs. 4-8a)

John 13:34-35 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

So, I wouldn't normally say that there is anyone I don't love. I might say I don't necessarily like that person, but I do love them. As I've examined this mindset some, and thought about what the Bible says, I've realized I'm fooling myself. There are people I know that have hurt me in some way or another, there are people I know that are difficult to get along with, there are people I know that frustrate me and drive me crazy (sometimes just by mention of their name), there are people who have taken advantage of me... Some of those people I no longer have any sort of interaction with, but I can tell you that what I feel deep down when they are brought up in conversation doesn't fit the definition of love from 1 Corinthians. And the way I react to the people from those categories that I do interact with doesn't fit that definition either. I try to not be outright rude or hateful to anyone, but absence of hate does not equal presence of love. I don't see "love puts up with people" or "love refrains from sharing what you're really wanting to say" up there anywhere. The human response to being wronged, or mistreated, or even just frustrated is not to love the person. Many kids I have worked with will respond with, "Well, he/she did it to me first," when I catch them doing something they shouldn't. I cannot tell you how many times I have said, "Just because someone did something to you doesn't mean you can do it back." I'm realizing that I need to listen to myself. Someone treating me in a way that makes me feel unloved does not give me the right to treat them the same way. Something else I've noticed isn't included in 1 Corinthians 13 is any sort of timeline. It does not say, "Love is patient the first 12 times, after that all bets are off." There is never any justification for treating any person without love, no matter what they have done to me or how many times. I'm going to get a little more personal. There is one person I have been having this issue with for over a year now. I realized early on that I was not reacting to said person in a very Christlike manner. Like I said early, I was not outright rude, but I also wasn't trying to be nice or show love. Every time I would decide to start again, and really try to approach this person with the right attitude, they would do something else to make it hard to do that. There is a quote from Evan Almighty (I don't know your feelings on the movie, but this is a good quote, promise) that I really like, and have been reminded of a couple times lately: "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does He give him courage or opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" I have been praying for a change in attitude towards this person, and everytime I'd think I finally have it, I'd have some sort of interaction with them and discover I still felt the same way. I shared this quote before, but, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." My feelings aren't going to "magically" be changed..I have to live like I've changed. This requires completely adjusting how I think and handle things, but it can be done. I have to see this person as God sees them, and not as someone that can drive me absolutely crazy. And it needs to be that way with ALL people, the ones who have hurt me, used me, made me mad, whatever... Because there is something else the Bible says about love: "If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has seen." (1 John 4:20). If I'm not living a life of love to ALL people, regardless of who they are or what they have done, I can't truly say I love God.