Something More

I'm going to warn you now that there are going to be quite a few quotes, and song and movie references here :). I don't know exactly where to start, there are things I've been thinking about for awhile now, and some that are newer, and they all somehow tie together- even if I maybe can't make the connection right now- so I apologize if I bounce from thing to thing. I went to Acquire the Fire with my youth group (I went as a sponsor, I was not trying to pass as a youth like my dad accused me of doing lol) last weekend, and the main thing they talked about was identity and where we are finding our identity. I realized about three years ago that I'd been finding my identity in the wrong things- mainly relationships I was in- and have been working to change that since. At ATF I realized I still haven't finished working on that. Though I'm not seeing my identity so much in my relationships anymore, I do find myself finding it in the things I do- being a teacher or doing children's ministry stuff, for example. My relationships with my family, friends, and others are not bad things, and being a teacher and children's minister are not bad things either..finding my identity in them is a bad thing though. ALL of those things can go away, and then what would I be left with? This leads me to finding my identity in Christ, and being who HE says I am and seeing myself as He sees me. If my identity is found in Jesus, then my life should be a reflection of that, correct? Perfection would be me living a life that constantly shows Christ and His love to everyone around me. Clearly, I am not a perfect person...but that is what I should be working for nonetheless. Being Christlike is something I've struggled with for many, many years. How exactly am I supposed to be just like Jesus? A big area I struggled with was my thoughts, because I didn't see how I could constantly think about Jesus. We're always told "keep your eyes on Him" or "focus on Him"...I don't know how to do that 24/7 and not just sit in a dark room doing nothing else. Somewhere I came across this quote that has greatly helped me with this: "Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions." I like to think of it as the "WWJD" of thoughts. "What would Jesus think?" When I catch myself going off on some rampant in my mind, I try to slow down and see it from His perspective instead. This is definitely still a work in progress for me, but it really changes things and affects my attitude in a positive way. Finding my identity in Christ has to start inside, I think, because just talking about it means nothing. You know that whole "Actions speak louder than words" bit? In Luke 6:45 it says, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." So, to really live a life reflecting an identity found in Christ we need to start with our hearts and our minds. Which means we also have to look at what we're putting into our hearts and our minds, because what goes in is going to come out eventually. Like the verse in Luke says, if we have good stored up then that's what will come out, and if it's evil...we get the picture.

I guess this goes to part two of what I'm dealing with right now. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life :). I've got a bachelor's degree, and I'm in my second year of teaching, but I don't know that I want to teach forever. And I don't know if that is even what I'm supposed to do forever. I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my master's degree (I actually found something I'm very interested in possibly pursuing)...it's something I go through everyday. I used to think I knew the plan for my life- clearly I do not. There are many other things I'd be doing right now if the plans I thought I knew had panned out. I've always known I wanted to do something that was helping others. That has always been something I enjoy doing. And if it's something I'm capable of doing, then I believe I should do it. That's also something that has caused some problems for me, I like to be able to "fix" things. For instance, when a friend of mine has something going on I want to fix things so they don't have to deal with it anymore...not usually my place to fix things, and I've had to learn that the hard way. I acknowledge that I'm not going to go out and fix all the problems in the world, BUT I know Someone that can and I can at least share Him with the world. I watched the Blindside a week ago (I'm behind, I know), and that story got me to thinking. I know there are a lot of kids in this area that are in similar situations, and I want to do something about it. I went to a Fight the Fade show last night (if you don't know who Fight the Fade is you need to look them up! They're on facebook and myspace), and I had the opportunity to pray with a girl who responded during the altar call. She just turned 13 last week, and has only been a Christian for a year. This girl has been through a lot in her life, to include losing a sister last year, and living with a mother who is an on again off again drug addict. She sat down with me, and just poured out all this stuff that she is dealing with and wanted prayer for. I wanted to cry, but she just shared it. It wasn't like she didn't care, but she has accepted that this is what she has to deal with and she's really handling it all exceptionally well for a 13 year old. I think she really needed to talk to someone, and she really needed to know someone else was praying for her on those things. Anyway, there were a few things that she said that really struck me. For one, she said that after her sister died that got her thinking about what she was living for and what will happen to her when she dies and that is why she went to church and got saved. She told me that her mom is mad at God and that she blames Him for taking her sister away. And she told me that she told her mom that there was a purpose for her sister being taken away, and that she believes part of that purpose was her own salvation. The fact that she realizes that at 13 amazed me. Also, she was talking about how her mom won't let her go to church on Sundays, so she only gets to go on Wednesday nights when her other sister takes her, and that she wants to keep up with church, and praying and reading her Bible, because she wants to tell everyone she can about God and what He did for her. Again, this from the mouth of a 13 year old. I was extremely encouraged by what she shared, that despite the hurt she was dealing with and all the hard things going on in her life, she just wanted to share Jesus with anyone and everyone, and I told her that. I prayed with her and for her, but it ended up being a big blessing to me too. All this to say, I want to do something more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I just want more than a life of just working and living. "There must be more than this provincial life" to quote Belle in Beauty and the Beast :). There are some things floating in my head, but they are not quite ready to be shared with the general public. However, that's something you, if you've read this far, can pray with me about. For clear guidance and direction. I know all these crazy ideas aren't in my head for no reason. There are people to be reached, and I'm with the girl I prayed with last night- I just want to tell everyone what God has done for me and what He can do for them!