Things I've learned travelling with Fight the Fade :)

I always have to smile when I think about my life and the way some things have turned out and some of the things I've been allowed to be a part of... it's just so completely different from anything I could've ever imagined or expected. I think that's one of my favorite things about how God works though. He always goes above and beyond, it's just who He is. My job is an example of this. Anyone that knew me in school was a little surprised when they found out I took a job teaching special ed preschool, because I was pretty adamant about wanting to teach somewhere from 4th to 8th grade. The way the job came about and how it all worked out was so a God thing, I can't deny that. If this wasn't the job God had for me at this time then I certainly would not have survived to my third year! I have a whole list of things I could go on about, but for now I'm talking about my travels with Fight the Fade. If you don't know who they are then you definitely should check them out, they're on facebook, and myspace, and at fightthefade.com. A fun part of this experience has been watching the band develop. I remember two years ago at the block party at True Vine when they were just the Jason C. McPhail band. They are sooo different now than the group that played that night! I've always made an effort to go to as many shows as I can to show my support, because it's a ministry I really believe in, but in the past few months I've had the opportunity to travel with them more and participate more, rather than just being a spectator. You may not think that there would be a lot to learn travelling with a Christian rock band, but believe me there are! And I just told someone I wouldn't tell any secrets, so just know I've learned a bit more than I'm actually going to share :)



I've learned that there will always be a group of girls that argue whether Chris or Tyler is better looking lol. That Tyler can spin around on stage looking completely out of control, but manage not to fall or hit anyone. That Jason can be standing still and fall :). That Chris will always throw at least one drumstick, and definitely break more than that. That Trevor will always look for something really tall to jump from, and that I pretty much always hold my breath til he has landed without dying or killing anyone else. That if it is dark, and B-way is dressed in dark colors and closes his eyes you cannot see him. And that if he sees a friend in an awkward situation, rather than bailing them out, he'll just watch and most likely film it to share with the facebook world. That Jason will almost always say something that leaves the rest of us wondering about him...(of course, that is true all of the time, and not just during FTF stuff lol). That "boys will be boys" applies no matter the age of the "boy"... That Julie and I never seem to run out of things to talk about, or new schemes to scheme (underprivileged underachievers charter school...or Afghanistan, right? ;) lol) I've also learned that as much as I love the songs they have written, the worship/invitation part of the show is still one of my favorites... and I've learned, or really re-learned that God can use anyone to do His work as long as they are willing and obedient.



I've had the privilege of praying with girls at a few shows, and I still remember all of their names and something about their story. One of the things I find the hardest is that for a moment I can hear their story and join with them in praying about their struggles, hardships, and the hopes they have for themselves...but then I leave, most likely never to see them again, and never knowing what happens with them after that night. That's why I really make it a point to try to remember their names, so that when I think of them I can still pray for them by name. I know that God would know who I was talking about if I just said, "That girl from McAlester, or the ones in Hugo, or Broken Bow...or even Shawnee." I just prefer the personal approach. And that's something else I'm always reminded of... I can't do anything to help them. I think praying with someone when they are going through something is comforting because it's a person you can see and hug on, but really my praying isn't what makes anything better. It's all God. And I have to trust Him to continue to protect those girls and surround them with love even though I will never know what happens with them after that night. This past weekend I also realized something else, and it was actually while I was praying. I think I mentioned in a past post about a girl I prayed with that after sharing all the drama in her life with me said, "I just want to show God's love to everyone" and that was such an encouragement to me. Here she was just 13 years old, and she was dealing with a lot, but she absolutely lit up when she talked about showing God's love to everyone. I always address the requests the girls have when we pray together, but I also pray that God surrounds them with Christians that will encourage and lift them up, that they will feel overwhelmed with His love for them, that they will know the peace He gives and that they will know His strength. As I prayed with a girl on Saturday it struck me that many times the things I am praying for them I also want for myself...yet I never pray them for myself. I feel a little selfish praying those things for myself, but I realized that I also feel like I don't deserve those things. And that makes me a hypocrite, which I cannot stand. How can I tell these girls to believe that God is with them always, that He loves them more than anything, and that He will give them all they need, when I am not always believing those things myself? It's frustrating to me when I realize these things, because it seems like I should get them by now. However, I'm also thankful for these learning experiences, because life is a process and it just means I am continuing to be refined. I love the fact that I can never stop learning more about my God. That's exciting to me. And I just find it slightly amusing that here lately a lot of my learning experiences have taken place at rock shows :).

For My Daddy

He probably thought I'd forgotten about him :). I've intended to write this for awhile, but there has been so much going on and I didn't want to rush through writing it just to get it written. That's not my purpose in any of my posts, writing just to write. What to say about my Daddy? I can't imagine having a better person as a dad. He taught me how to write a good paper and give a good speech (tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them). He taught me about evaluation criteria. He is living prove that you can't let the circumstances life gives you determine the person you are going to become or what you're going to do with your life. He is an awesome example of a godly father and husband. No matter how far away he is my mom receives flowers for all special occasions and sometimes just because. He also doesn't allow anyone to show her any disrespect, and that has always meant a lot to me. He never lets his physical absence prevent him from telling my sisters, mom and I how much he loves us and how proud he is of us. I know a lot of people that say he is scary, and it's probably good that some are afraid of him :), but I also know that once you know him he isn't so scary anymore. He is the funniest person I know. He is kind and caring. I remember once we were driving home from something, and we saw a kitten being attacked by some dogs. Even though he has big time allergies where animals are concerned, especially cats, he got out and saved the kitten. He is always stopping to help people with flat tires, or push a car that has died. He questions the purpose behind things, and doesn't accept something just because "that's how it's always been done." I wouldn't say that Army life has been easy on our family, but I am extremely proud of the service he continues to do for our country. While I certainly wouldn't wish him away, especially when he has had to be gone for so much of our lives already, I admire that he is willing to go anywhere for any amount of time when he believes it is where God wants him to go. He is a living example of taking initiative and giving 100% no matter what it is you may be doing. I know he probably would have really enjoyed having a son, but I appreciate the way he has raised my sisters and I. I am thankful that he didn't let us grow up to be a bunch of girly girls, and that he taught us how to swing a bat, play catch, and throw a football. But he didn't try to turn us into a bunch of boys either. I remember dancing with him in the living room while we listened to Harry Connick Jr. I also remember listening to Welcome to the Jungle and Stray Cat Strut :). He has always placed a high priority on family, and I don't know that all family members always realize that. I am thankful that I can talk to him about any part of my life, that he will give his input, and then let me make the decision. And he doesn't count me as a failure, even when I make silly mistakes. He helps me get back on my feet, dust myself off, and continue on. I wish that some people would realize the advice he is giving them is very sound and wise, he has never led me astray. And that he shares his thoughts and opinions because he cares. He has shown me what it's like to persevere- whether it's making it through countless deployments, or continuing to try to help someone that most would've given up on a long time ago. No matter how old I get, he will always be just a phone call away (though depending on what time zone he's in I may have to wait for him to call back :) ). Daddy, I love you very much!!

Knowing and Knowing

It's "funny" to me how long it takes me to realize things sometimes. I imagine God up there shaking his head at me because I'm a little slow sometimes ("You'll have to excuse my friend, he's a little slow...the towns back that way." Can anyone name that movie? lol) I know God doesn't really do that because He is patient. The Bible compares us to sheep all the time, and I think that is very fitting. My mom's aunt and uncle used to have sheep down at their farm, and I remember watching them and thinking how silly they were. One of them would make some movement that would spook another, so it would take off running which would cause the others to run too. Then they'd just stop and look around like, "What?" and go back to eating. I think Christians do that too. The sheep didn't seem to realize that they were in a safe area being looked out for, and that whatever movement they were seeing wasn't something to be afraid of. No matter what this world throws at us, if we have a personal relationship with Jesus we don't need to take off running anytime there is some commotion that frightens us. We aren't promised an easy road, we are just promised that we don't have to go alone.
Faith has been on my mind a lot lately. Back in 2007 my pastor had me read an entry in Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" because it related to something I was going through at the time. That was interesting to me because for as long as I can remember my mom has had a copy of that on a little bench that is usually in the living room of whatever house we're living in. Growing up I thought it was a "fancy" book because it was leather bound, with the gold edged pages and had a bookmark. Besides when I tried to read it I couldn't for the life of me understand it. Since I read that first entry that my pastor shared, I have read through the book a couple of times. I go back to that first entry a lot (December 18) because it reminds me of what I've come through to get where I am today, and because sometimes I seem to think I know all I need to know and it also reminds me that I most certainly do not. (Side note: My Utmost is a really awesome daily devotional, you should definitely have a copy or at least go to myutmost.org and you can do the daily readings there) Around the same time that my pastor passed that entry on to me a friend shared 2 Timothy 1:12 with me, which says, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." At that time I would read that verse over and over every day and I did that for a few months. I think I shared in a past post that I got myself a new Bible because I felt like I was just going to the verses I had underlined and not really looking for anything new from God's word, and I also got a different translation to shake things up a little as well. I've kinda avoided that verse, because I felt like I knew what I needed to know about it. Who am I to think that I could ever know all there is to know about anything about God or His word? Foolish girl I was on that one. All this to say that here lately I have been reminded of things I felt like I "knew" that maybe I did know in my head, but I wasn't taking them to heart and really living them out. Knowing something and actually living like you know something are completely different things.
Like I said, faith has been on my mind a lot lately. Every year when VBS time rolls around I have myself a little melt down. Every year I am reminded that God provides exactly what we need. We have never been without resources or workers. Our VBS may look a little different than others, but we are a different church and that is ok. Every year I am overwhelmed at how God supplies exactly what we need. You'd think that after growing up in church and having a personal relationship with Him for most of my life these things would not be a surprise to me. I feel foolish for doubting, and rightfully so. I hope I never quit being overwhelmed by what He does and how He does it though. There's a quote I saw somewhere that says, "God tries our faith so that we may try His faithfulness." It never fails that when I think I've reached the end and that I'm just going to quit He comes blazing through with just what I needed. Or He is that soft wind that is so very comforting. I'm not exaclty sure where I'm going with all this... I suppose it's all just to say that when we think we've reached the end He will always come through. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." The Bible also says that in our weakness He is strong, so maybe we need to reach the end for Him to really come through...stop trying to do it on our own because really what can we do on our own? Wear ourselves out and get the same disappointing results.
Plumb has a song called "Better" that I greatly enjoy, and there is one line that has always stuck out to me, "In the end what leaves you broken makes you better." I don't think we need to go seeking out things that are going to leave us broken, but I think the times that break us down are also when we experience the most growth. That has been my personal experience. The times of brokenness are when you can really see where you are placing your faith and readjust your life appropriately. Another quote I really like (apparently I'm full of them tonight) says, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." (Margaret Thatcher said that, fyi). Back to what I said in the beginning, sometimes I'm not so quick to catch on to what God is teaching me. I also think I will spend my whole life going through some of those processes though, because, as I also said, I can never know all there is to know about Him. One thing I should have down by now is to know that I can trust Him absolutely because even when I am faithless He is faithful. I do "know" that, I just need to work on living like I know that :)

For My Mum :)

I told my mom in her Mother's Day cards this year that she has been my mom for so long that I am running out of ways to tell her how wonderful she is and how thankful I am to have her as my mother so from here on out I'm just going to write "ditto" in the card :). If you know my mom, or anything about her you know that she is an amazing person...obviously if she produced a daughter like me haha, kidding! (Disclaimer: I have taken some medicine for my allergies, probably shouldn't have done that before writing this...). When I think of all the things that she has done, or all the things that she's involved with right now..it makes me tired. I don't know how she does it. I was born while she (and my dad) were in college, and she was pregnant with Jessica when she graduated. I can't imagine having a husband and small children while completing a degree. She minored in math because she took so many math classes as electives because she loves math...I just can't imagine doing that at all :). She has dealt with my sisters and I through my dad's multiple deployments, not to mention any of his various trips, TDYs, going to the fields and what have yous. Whenever I had a field trip or school party she could be counted on to be there and helping. All my friends always loved her. In fact, I was looking at my middle school year book the other day and I think there were more messages to her than to me :). She has been a coach, a Sunday School teacher, a Bible Study leader, a home school mom, score keeper, pampered chef, Salvation Army women's auxiliary something or the other, not to mention mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend...and many more I know I'm leaving out. I have never seen her flustered or freaking out about all that she has going on. She has talked me through multiple freak out sessions though. I always know that if there is no one else for me to turn to I can call my mom...she'll listen to me, and it's pretty much guaranteed she'll say something that will at least make me smile. I'm very comforted knowing that if friends let me down, I still have my mom to go to. All through my freshman year at OBU I'd get cards from her, a lot of them started out, "Well, I'm sitting at volleyball/basketball practice..." and she'd just fill me in on her day, include an encouraging word for me, and sometimes she'd stick whatever money she had in her pocket in there...$7 here, $5 there. I think those helped me survive that first year. I still get notes like that (I've noticed the money has gone missing...hmmm...), and they always seem to come at just the right moment. I remember our first year of home schooling. Originally I was going to be the only one home schooled, just for high school, but after my parents went to that conference they decided to go ahead and do that with all four of us. That first year was so crazy. I think I would have decided to go another route after that, but she stuck it out and has successfully passed two daughters on to college with Stefanie so very close. I also remember my senior year at OBU. A lot went on in our family that year. Daddy was gone, and Grandmama was living in Lawton with my mom and Stef and Hannah, because she was sick and couldn't live by herself. My mom was still her regular upbeat self that whole time. I can't think of any time I ever heard her complain. She did what she had to do, and was there for me when I had a crisis in my personal life. I know some women who don't handle there husband being gone overnight anywhere near as well as my mom handles my dad's absences. On a past blog I've posted a friend of ours from Germany quoted my mom to me, and I think that says a lot about the kind of influence she has on people. Like with my sisters, I could write about my mom all day and I still don't think I could capture all of who she is. I love her so incredibly much, and am so thankful to have her as an example of a godly woman. If you don't know her, you should because you are definitely missing out!

For My Sisters

It's not always easy being one of four girls. I feel like sometimes people view us as more of a "unit" than as four individual people, you know, "The Madison girls". I don't know that that is so much an issue now that I'm doing this whole "grown up" thing, and Jess is in college, but we are definitely very much four different people. I am very thankful for each of my sisters, we're a pretty close bunch, and I know a lot of that has to do with our lifestyle growing up. With our dad being in the Army we were always moving, and every time that we moved we only had one another. I also think that when we started homeschooling my freshman year of high school we definitely started growing closer. I remember that first year, it was crazy! I definitely do not enjoy confrontation, and for the most part when something happens to me that I don't care for I won't really say much (at least to the person doing me wrong), and I feel like I'm mostly laid back and that it takes more to make me really mad. However, say or do anything to my family and I'm instantly up and ready to fight. There are two very specific times I can think of that I got extremely upset, and actually got very verbal with someone, and both times involved things that happened to my sisters. At basketball games I take note of the girls fouling my sisters...I realize it's part of the game, but it is not ok to mess with my sisters! Anyway, Hannah is about to turn 16, Stefanie is going to be graduating high school, and Jess is headed off to Africa in the fall...and I get extremely sad thinking about it. So, I want to dedicate this blog to my sisters, and all the things I find wonderful about them!

Jessica: I have some very specific memories about the time before and right after she was born. I remember one day walking past our parents talking about if the baby would be a boy or girl, and they were saying they wanted a boy. I just said, "I want a sister," and continued on my way...lo and behold there she were. I also remember a day that everyone came to see the new baby, and no one stopped to say hi to me and I didn't understand why, but I try to not hold that against her ;). It's funny to me to think about our relationship, because for a long time I thought of her as my annoying little sister, yet she was always the one that I would come talk to when something was bothering me or I just didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I remember how much we used to fight..and not just yelling at one another, but punching, biting, scratching, the works. Until that night Daddy made us fight til we were begging to quit...I guess it worked, because we never beat each other up again. We've called her Pocahontas for a very long time, and I think that's a nickname that still holds true. I remember looking out our kitchen window in NC seeing her do what I like to call your "Pocahontas walk" as she'd try to catch squirrels or whatever other critters were passing through our yard. We may have our differences from time to time, but we are always always able to talk it out. It's hard for me to think about her being half way around the world for an entire semester, and I know there are things about it that are frightening to her, but I also know that it is an awesome experience that God is allowing her, and I am so extremely excited for her. She's my Jessita sister and I love her dearly.

Stefanie: So, I remember before Stef was born I had a dream that my mom had the baby and it was a boy. I got up and looked in the crib that was already set up in our room the next morning, thinking that I really did have a little brother...turns out my mom was still pregnant, and turns out she did not have a boy. I don't remember Stefanie actually being born, which makes me sad, but I do remember getting to hold her, and that was a big deal. Stefanie has always been beautiful, with her big blue eyes, dark hair (that was curly and stinking cute when she was little...not saying it's not cute now, Stef!), and ridiculous skin that gets more tan when she just thinks about the sun. It's funny to me that I dreamed she was a boy, and she ended up being the most tomboy of us girls. I know Jess and I used to get so irritated with her because she'd just wear basketball shorts and tshirts ALL the time, and she could look cute wearing anything, which most girls can't say. I love her sense of humor, and I love how incredibly caring and thoughtful she is. She bought me a silverware set when I graduated high school, and I still have that silverware, and it is very special to me, because it is from her. I've enjoyed watching her grow up, even though I feel like with her and Hannah I missed a part of their lives because they both suddenly grew up while I was away at college... I think I've been in denial that she is growing up, and I think that is part of the reason I cried when I saw her in the first prom dress she tried on and why I still sometimes cry when I stalk all her prom pictures :). Stefanie, you are such an awesome little person (I'm glad you are still shorter than me!! lol), and I am praying that college opens you up so that more people can know how amazing you are! I'm so excited about you living closer to me!

Hannah: Oh, Hannah. The day you were born I came home from school, found out it was another girl, and went up to my room :). I'm sorry that at age 6 I wasn't more excited, if I'd known what you would be like I definitely would've been. Hannah has always been her own person. She was fixing her own food and putting herself down for naps when she was three. We'd all be downstairs, and someone would say, "Where's Hannah?" So, we'd go looking for her, and there she'd be asleep because she got tired. For some reason she got the whole concept of "if you're tired, you should sleep" that most small children never seem to grasp. Hannah also used to be the scariest of us all ;). She could hold her own in a fight with any of us, and we'd actually fight over who had to sit next to her in her carseat because if she got mad, and you were in arms length, your hair would be pulled and you'd be beat. However, she is also extremely sweet. Once we drove over a really long bridge (I think it was on the way to Niagra Falls), and I was scared because some bridges freak me out, and Hannah stuck her little hand out and held my hand the whole way. Another time, when we lived in NC I was really sick, and Hannah sat by the couch and held my hand til I fell asleep...and she was only three. She is extremely creative, and very thoughtful. She is a hard worker. I've always said that Jess and Stef are very naturally athletic whereas Hannah and I have to work at it a little more, and Hannah will definitely put in the effort. If she wants something, she does what needs to be done to get it. She doesn't care much what people think of her, and that is something I very much admire about her. I can't believe she is going to be 16 in a few weeks...what is the world coming too? Hannah, good luck next year when you are home without all of us :).

All of my sisters are growing up into these beautiful young ladies who I am extremely proud of, and I don't think I can say it enough. I could go on and on about how awesome they are, and I talk about them any chance I get, I'm all about bragging on them :). Jessi Lou, Stefanooch, and Hannah Banana I love each one of you so very very much, and I hope that is something that you never doubt or question! It freaks me out that you are all growing up, but I'm also so excited to see what God has in store for you all. Just let me know if there is anyone I need to take out for you :)

Renewing My Mind

"Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions."

I know I used that quote in another entry, but I can't get it out of my head here lately...my church has been working on our new website, and a phrase we're using that sums up what our church is about is "Giving the life of Jesus to the world." To me Christianity is not about a religion, but a relationship. Really relationships. The most important is the relationship I have with God, but then that relationship should spill over into all the others in my life. Everything I do should be a reflection of my relationship with Him. And I know for a fact I am guilty of not doing that. I have not done a very good job of giving the life of Jesus to the world. I realized that the other day that maybe one of my biggest problems at work is my mindset. Yes, a lot has been thrown at me, and yes there are people I have to deal with that aren't the easiest to get along with, but if I changed my mindset about everything that would make a big difference. I don't think it will eliminate all unpleasantness, but it would definitely make things more bearable. A verse that has been mentioned a lot lately is Romans 12:2: "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." The part sticking out to me the most at this time being "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." I don't think that's a one time thing either. Maybe I am successful in one situation, but I have to be on guard for the next time and the next time, and really focus on having the right mindset until it becomes the mindset I always have...sort of forming a habit. I had a little bit of a meltdown today. The school year is winding down. We have 22 more school days, but in that time I still have 6 IEP meetings to hold. I've gotten them all scheduled, but I need to actually do the paperwork. VBS is coming up very quickly and I'm not prepared for that at all. I have a sister with a big birthday coming up and another sister graduating high school. I'm working on writing the children's church curriculum that we're going to use when we finish up the unit we're on right now. I'm constantly planning for something. On top of all that I have a house to keep clean that I'm also trying to get painted..and then I'm supposed to take care of myself somewhere in there. I feel like I barely stay on top of the stuff I know about, and then it seems lately that there are constantly things popping up that I had no way to see coming. For example, Calliope, my puppy has been sick since yesterday. I thought that she'd started getting better, but I was wrong. I don't know what is wrong with her, and I don't like not being able to fix things. I've spent a large portion of the time I was home yesterday and today cleaning up what's left behind from her sickness. At one point I was laying on the floor next to her crying because I was sure I'd reached the end of what I could handle. I decided to call my sister, Jessica, and she was kind enough to come over. I really just didn't want to be alone, but she went above and beyond. She helped me get some pedialyte in Calli so she doesn't get dehydrated before I can get her to the vet in the morning, and then she cleaned my kitchen while I continued cleaning up after Calli in my living room and bedroom. And most importantly she prayed with me before she left. I needed that because it helped me get ahold of myself, instead of running around kinda like a crazy person not actually getting anything done. As I was getting my room in order I was thinking about how stressed I get at the little unexpected things that pop up, and that quote at the top came to mind. Jesus came and did His thing on this earth knowing that what He was ultimately headed towards was a brutal, painful death on a cross. He never had a freak out moment though. He didn't ever say, "I'm sorry blind man, I can't heal you, that wasn't in my plan for the day." He rolled with whatever came at Him. And if I'm trying to have His mindset that's what I need to be doing. Even at my crazy job, or when my puppy is sick. I've been counting down to the end of the school year, ready for next year and a clean slate. I think I need to focus on finishing this school year out strong, and starting everyday with a clean slate instead of waiting til next year. I don't think Jesus ever laid on the floor crying over his helplessness, so I'm going to work on not doing that anymore either :)

All Things New

This is somewhat a continuation of yesterday's post... I didn't want that one to be any longer than it was though :). I like for things to be clean. I am actually a person who finds some sort of weird enjoyment in cleaning the bathroom, but only because I like watching it become clean. I've been working on updating my house and making it my own, and it's a long process as I save money for different things and then actually find time to paint and all that. I've gotten base coats painted in my living room and kitchen. The living room coat was "interesting" to paint because it was a white base coat going on a white wall. However, there is already a big difference in the room because the walls are now incredibly clean. There were a few places where there were some chips of paint missing, places where dirty hands had touched the wall, and now they are all covered in clean, beautiful paint (I am adding a color over the white, fyi, just haven't gotten around to it). It's like my living room and kitchen have a new life.

I have never been one that can quote Scripture off the top of my head. I know people that seem to have a verse for anything and everything, they can even tell you where it's found. I can maybe give a poor paraphrase of a verse and just tell you that it's in there somewhere. A few times here lately I've noticed that a certain verse or group of verses will be on my mind a lot, so I always look them up to get clear in my head exactly what it says. "Oddly" enough I will end up needing those verses in a situation, or to share with someone...funny how that works, huh? The other day the verse that talks about becoming new creation came to mind, so I looked it up, and the whole passage around that verse stuck out to me.

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet we know Him in this way no longer. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled Himself to us through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Something else about God that completely amazes me is that even though He knew long before I was born that I would do all sorts of things that would disappoint and hurt Him He still chose to create me. Before God even made people He knew that sin would enter the world, that the punishment for sin was eternal separation from Him, and that the way for Him to save us would be to sacrifice His only Son...AND HE STILL CREATED US! But He didn't stop at creation, He did send His Son, and through accepting His sacrifice we are made new, given new life, like my walls. In Isaiah it talks about how we are all unclean, that even our righteousness is like filthy rags (according to people much smarter than me the filthy rags are the equivalent of menstrual rags, which is pretty nasty...so you get the picture that we are dirty people?). However, in Isaiah it also talks about how Jesus was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, and that by His stripes we are healed. (Side note: A recent new friend of mine designs and sells tshirts, and he has a pretty awesome one from that passage in Isaiah, check his stuff out at fhscmerch.storenvy.com...or find him on facebook under Bryan Conway :) I realize there are a lot of big words in all those verses, like reconciliation, iniquity, transgression..but it all boils down to He made us, we let Him down, He loves us and He took our punishment so that we can be made new (and clean!). I don't know about you, but I really felt His love for me pouring out of those verses in 2 Corinthians. But those verses don't stop with us being made new, it also says that we are to be His ambassadors, making the appeal on God's behalf that others be reconciled to Him as well. His gift isn't one for us to accept and then stop there, we need to be making it known to anyone and everyone we can. We've got THE BEST thing ever, and we should be sharing it with the lost and hurting world that could use a new, clean start!

Overwhelming love

When I sit and really think about the things God has done for me and how much He loves me it takes my breath away. There are so many little things throughout the day that I know are expressions of His love, and even if I've had a bad day when I look at those "little" things they add up, and it's as if all the bad things just fade away. I think that's one of my favorite things about how God works, in the small seeming insignificant moments...it doesn't always have to be this huge display.
One of my favorite Old Testament passages is 1 Kings 19. Elijah has just had the mountaintop face off with the prophets of Baal, and has emerged victorious. However, he is in hiding and begging God to take his life because Jezebel is out to get him. He prays for death, then lies down to sleep under a tree. An angel comes and wakes him up, and tells him to eat (food has appeared on the rock). It happens a second time and then he heads to Horeb (aka Mt. Sinai). He's up there in a cave and God comes and asks, "What are you doing here?" Elijah talks about how he has been very zealous for the Lord, even though the sons of Israel have turned against Him, and that he is the only one left. God tells him to go stand on the mountain because He is going to pass by, and these are my favorite verses from this chapter: "And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of gentle blowing." (vs. 11&12) When Elijah heard the gentle blowing he covered his face, and then a voice came again asking him what he was doing there. He repeats what he said earlier, and God gives him instructions that include a promise that Elijah will not be the only faithful one left. I love verses 11 &12, because there is all this loud thundering and destruction, and then God comes in the gentle blowing. I think people miss that a lot. They feel like they aren't hearing anything from God, but that's because they are looking for Him in some sort of big display of power. That's not to say that God doesn't work in big displays, I believe He does, however I think more often it's the little moments that we can see Him and feel Him.
One of my favorite times of day is when I drive to work in the morning. Not because I love being up that early, and not because I'm always super excited to go to work, but because I get to see the sun coming up in my rearview mirror. I LOVE sunrises (and sunsets)...really the sky is one of my favorite parts of creation, I really enjoy the night sky and seeing all the stars as well. No matter how many sunrises or sunsets I have seen I am always in awe of the beauty and colors. I hope that never changes. It's always calming to me when I see the sun coming up, and I feel very loved in that moment.
I've also noticed a lot of these little moments at work as well. It never fails that at a moment when I think I've reached the end and just can't take it anymore one of my kids will say or do something so sweet, or maybe just funny and it shakes me out of the funk I'm in. I feel like it's God saying, "Hey, I got this, now calm down!" Those moments are so precious to me, because I know they are from Him. I could list examples forever of God's love coming to me in the "gentle blowing". I've felt very overwhelmed by His love this week, when I keep my mind on what He has done for me and the many, many blessings He has provided...especially since I am so very undeserving. "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You." Psalm 63:3

Something More

I'm going to warn you now that there are going to be quite a few quotes, and song and movie references here :). I don't know exactly where to start, there are things I've been thinking about for awhile now, and some that are newer, and they all somehow tie together- even if I maybe can't make the connection right now- so I apologize if I bounce from thing to thing. I went to Acquire the Fire with my youth group (I went as a sponsor, I was not trying to pass as a youth like my dad accused me of doing lol) last weekend, and the main thing they talked about was identity and where we are finding our identity. I realized about three years ago that I'd been finding my identity in the wrong things- mainly relationships I was in- and have been working to change that since. At ATF I realized I still haven't finished working on that. Though I'm not seeing my identity so much in my relationships anymore, I do find myself finding it in the things I do- being a teacher or doing children's ministry stuff, for example. My relationships with my family, friends, and others are not bad things, and being a teacher and children's minister are not bad things either..finding my identity in them is a bad thing though. ALL of those things can go away, and then what would I be left with? This leads me to finding my identity in Christ, and being who HE says I am and seeing myself as He sees me. If my identity is found in Jesus, then my life should be a reflection of that, correct? Perfection would be me living a life that constantly shows Christ and His love to everyone around me. Clearly, I am not a perfect person...but that is what I should be working for nonetheless. Being Christlike is something I've struggled with for many, many years. How exactly am I supposed to be just like Jesus? A big area I struggled with was my thoughts, because I didn't see how I could constantly think about Jesus. We're always told "keep your eyes on Him" or "focus on Him"...I don't know how to do that 24/7 and not just sit in a dark room doing nothing else. Somewhere I came across this quote that has greatly helped me with this: "Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions." I like to think of it as the "WWJD" of thoughts. "What would Jesus think?" When I catch myself going off on some rampant in my mind, I try to slow down and see it from His perspective instead. This is definitely still a work in progress for me, but it really changes things and affects my attitude in a positive way. Finding my identity in Christ has to start inside, I think, because just talking about it means nothing. You know that whole "Actions speak louder than words" bit? In Luke 6:45 it says, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." So, to really live a life reflecting an identity found in Christ we need to start with our hearts and our minds. Which means we also have to look at what we're putting into our hearts and our minds, because what goes in is going to come out eventually. Like the verse in Luke says, if we have good stored up then that's what will come out, and if it's evil...we get the picture.

I guess this goes to part two of what I'm dealing with right now. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life :). I've got a bachelor's degree, and I'm in my second year of teaching, but I don't know that I want to teach forever. And I don't know if that is even what I'm supposed to do forever. I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my master's degree (I actually found something I'm very interested in possibly pursuing)...it's something I go through everyday. I used to think I knew the plan for my life- clearly I do not. There are many other things I'd be doing right now if the plans I thought I knew had panned out. I've always known I wanted to do something that was helping others. That has always been something I enjoy doing. And if it's something I'm capable of doing, then I believe I should do it. That's also something that has caused some problems for me, I like to be able to "fix" things. For instance, when a friend of mine has something going on I want to fix things so they don't have to deal with it anymore...not usually my place to fix things, and I've had to learn that the hard way. I acknowledge that I'm not going to go out and fix all the problems in the world, BUT I know Someone that can and I can at least share Him with the world. I watched the Blindside a week ago (I'm behind, I know), and that story got me to thinking. I know there are a lot of kids in this area that are in similar situations, and I want to do something about it. I went to a Fight the Fade show last night (if you don't know who Fight the Fade is you need to look them up! They're on facebook and myspace), and I had the opportunity to pray with a girl who responded during the altar call. She just turned 13 last week, and has only been a Christian for a year. This girl has been through a lot in her life, to include losing a sister last year, and living with a mother who is an on again off again drug addict. She sat down with me, and just poured out all this stuff that she is dealing with and wanted prayer for. I wanted to cry, but she just shared it. It wasn't like she didn't care, but she has accepted that this is what she has to deal with and she's really handling it all exceptionally well for a 13 year old. I think she really needed to talk to someone, and she really needed to know someone else was praying for her on those things. Anyway, there were a few things that she said that really struck me. For one, she said that after her sister died that got her thinking about what she was living for and what will happen to her when she dies and that is why she went to church and got saved. She told me that her mom is mad at God and that she blames Him for taking her sister away. And she told me that she told her mom that there was a purpose for her sister being taken away, and that she believes part of that purpose was her own salvation. The fact that she realizes that at 13 amazed me. Also, she was talking about how her mom won't let her go to church on Sundays, so she only gets to go on Wednesday nights when her other sister takes her, and that she wants to keep up with church, and praying and reading her Bible, because she wants to tell everyone she can about God and what He did for her. Again, this from the mouth of a 13 year old. I was extremely encouraged by what she shared, that despite the hurt she was dealing with and all the hard things going on in her life, she just wanted to share Jesus with anyone and everyone, and I told her that. I prayed with her and for her, but it ended up being a big blessing to me too. All this to say, I want to do something more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I just want more than a life of just working and living. "There must be more than this provincial life" to quote Belle in Beauty and the Beast :). There are some things floating in my head, but they are not quite ready to be shared with the general public. However, that's something you, if you've read this far, can pray with me about. For clear guidance and direction. I know all these crazy ideas aren't in my head for no reason. There are people to be reached, and I'm with the girl I prayed with last night- I just want to tell everyone what God has done for me and what He can do for them!

Moving On

As I was originally going through the thoughts that are this blog post they were going to be listed more as questions that I wanted some input on. I was a little concerned about making some of these questions public because then I'd be getting pretty personal, and would reveal some struggles I have that maybe I'm not so ready to reveal. However, I said that was part of the point of this blog, for me to be more transparent..and real, I suppose. Anyway, they were going to be questions for whoever might read this and care to share their input to share away, but I decided to do some of my own research with Someone that has all the answers, first. If you do happen to read this and have something to add, please do so, by all means. I've realized that I'm not very good at forgetting things and moving on. I always analyze EVERYTHING. Causes me a lot of problems too. You'd think that since I realize I do this I'd stop, but apparently it's not that easy. I find myself analyzing why I analyze...it's just a vicious cycle. My questions were: how do you forget the hurts and insecurities and move on? And if someone has hurt me, I say I have forgiven them, but I don't forget the pain does that mean I haven't really forgiven them? I was talking with my 18 year old cousin the other day (so weird to me that he's 18..and this was really an out of the blue conversation), about how we can't hold onto our past. That we can't get so focused on the past, and the "could've been/should've been". That we need to take whatever lesson we can learn from our experiences and then continue on. As I was saying these things I realized that I was saying them more to myself than anyone. There are things I've thought I've forgiven, let go of, or moved on from- some from quite a ways back- that I apparently haven't. I am my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic. Anytime I disappoint myself I immediately bring up all those old things and beat myself down with them. Which just makes getting up again harder each time, because there are all the new things on top of the old. There are some areas where this is really becoming a big hindrance in things that I know I am supposed to be doing. A couple of years ago I read "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. One of the biggest things I remember from that book is that they said you cannot fully experience God's love unless you love yourself and allow Him to love you. His love is a free gift (to me, it cost Him His Son), but I have to accept it. When I bring up my old hurts and insecurities I am not loving myself, and most certainly not allowing Him to love me. To answer my second question up there, I'm afraid that if I hold onto the hurt another has caused me I haven't truly forgiven them, as much as I may say I have. In answer to my first question, here is some of the Scripture I came across:

"For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! The world above or the world below cannot! Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"Hope never makes us ashamed because the love of God has come into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:5

"God gave us these two things that cannot be changed and God cannot lie. We who have turned to Him can have great comfort knowing that He will do what He has promised. This hope is a safe anchor for our souls. It will never move. This hope goes into the Holiest Place of All behind the curtain of heaven." Hebrews 6: 18-19

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

One thing that stood out to me in the verses from Romans 8 is that it said that life cannot get in the way of the love God has for us. That seems an odd thing to say at first. We think of death as stopping things, but life is when things happen. But we can let life get in the way...but even me and my silly analyzing and beating myself down can't stop the love of God. And nothing anyone else says or does to me can stop His love. Thank You, Lord, for that! The verses from Hebrews 6 came to mind as I was reading the Romans verses. My youth group in Germany sang a song that said, "We have this hope, as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure, we have this anchor for our souls." One of my favorite Building 429 songs says, "When everything else is changing, You are constant. Lifting my eyes to see far beyond this misery." (Constant) 1 John 4 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I read it a lot a few years ago when I was struggling with some things, and I posted it again here as a reminder to myself. If I am letting God love me, then I won't have to deal with those hurts and insecurities and I can truly move on!

The Lost Get Found

Yesterday I discovered that I had misplaced the cd-rom that contains our children's church curriculum. I had every other disc in the pack, with all the demonstrations and sound effects and what not, but without the cd-rom it didn't matter. I needed it to get Julie the materials for this Sunday because she is filling in for me while I'm out of town. At first I was slightly annoyed that I couldn't find it. I don't usually misplace things. In fact, I'm the one people usually come to to find things. I've just always been pretty good at finding things. Can't tell you how many times I found my roommates id card when it was missing (always check under your keyboard!). I didn't have a lot of time to look for the disc at first, so I checked a few places I thought I might have set it and decided to come back to it later. I went to church last night and as I was there I was running through everywhere I thought it might be. I got home and I tore my house apart looking for it. I moved furniture, I lifted every piece of paper that was anywhere. I looked under every table, dresser, desk...nothing. At this point I was very frustrated (side note: Roscoe was being very hateful during this time which was not helping). I finally gave up and went to bed, knowing that I'd absolutely have to find it when I got home from work today. Again I tore my house apart, I looked everywhere I'd looked last night, in every bag I own, in every drawer. I even looked in rooms I KNEW it was not. It was nowhere to be found. At this point I'm ready to cry. I have felt so absentminded and forgetful lately, and that is frustrating to me, because I used to be able to say I had a mind "like a steel trap" haha. I blame stress and lack of sleep for my current state. I decided to drive down to the church to see if for some reason I'd left it there, even though I was 99.9% positive I'd never taken it to the church. At this time I'm also wondering why on earth this is happening. I believe everything happens for a reason, so a lot of times I find myself wondering "what is the point in this?" On my way to the church I thought to check in the box of VBS stuff that has been in the backseat of my car for over a week now. It ocurred to me that I'd taken the cd out of my computer, but couldn't remember where I'd set it after that. I got to the church, pulled the box up in the seat next to me, and there it was in the case with my VBS clipart discs. I felt a little foolish for how frantic I'd gotten over such a small thing, and I think that was part of the purpose..need to work on keeping my cool. However, as I drove back home (another side note: I did have some donations to drop off at the church for Cinderella's Closet, so my drive down there wasn't totally pointless :) ) I was reminded of the story of the prodigal son. My senior year of high school (sometimes seems like it was yesterday, and sometimes seems like it was FOREVER ago), my youth group went on a trip to Ibiza, Spain with other youth groups in the area for spring break. The speaker that week talked about the woman that loses her one coin, the shepherd that loses his one sheep, and then the main story for the week was the prodigal son. The woman has ten coins, but she loses one and pretty much tears her house apart until she finds it, THEN she calls her friends and has a party because she found her coin. The shepherd has 100 sheep, and one goes missing. He goes out, risks his life, and doesn't return until he has found that one sheep, then he calls his friends and celebrates with them over finding his lost sheep. In the story of the prodigal son a rich man's son asks for his inheritance early. The son goes out and wastes it, eventually ending up eating the slop that pigs eat. He realizes that servants in his father's home eat better than that, so he returns home hoping to get a job as a servant. Instead his father is waiting there with open arms and throws a huge party because his lost son has returned home. What if we put that sort of intensity and emotion into seeking out the lost of this world? One of the very last things Jesus left us with was the Great Commission: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit..." (Matthew 28: 19) I was about to cry over a lost cd...what about the people that die daily who are lost for eternity. Think about losing your phone, or your keys, or your wallet...how do you feel when you realize it's lost? How do you feel when you're searching for it? And then how do you feel when you find it? I said earlier that I've been feeling very absentminded, and my thoughts have just been very confused lately, but this was something I thought about very clearly and it kinda shocked me. So, what if we start seeing lost people like we see something we value when it's lost? That requires a whole different way of thinking, but I think it's an extremely important change to make. By the way, all those parables about the lost items are in Luke 15 if you want to check them out!

Love God (check). Love People (....).

I realize that title maybe makes me sound like a not so nice person. Surprise, surprise, I'm not a perfect person (Hoobastank anyone? ha). This is something I've been thinking about a lot here lately. As a Christian it is very easy to say, "Yes, I love God." It may even be "easy" to live out that love. And sure it's easy to SAY "Yes, I love people," but actions speak louder than words... Think of the people you love. Most will include family and friends. Maybe you would even say you love people in general. I tend to feel that way. I definitely love my family and friends, and I don't generally harbor ill feelings towards humanity as a whole. Before I say anything else about various types of people and difficulty with loving them, a refresher on what love is. (side note: if you ever read my posts on myspace, which I no longer have, some of this may sound familiar. I apologize for the redundancy, but it's clearly something important, and things haven't changed.) Anywho. The Bible is full of talk of love, what it means, how to demonstrate it and all that. 1 Corinthians 13 is well known as the "love chapter", and lays it out pretty clear:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek out its own, is not provoked, does not take into account of wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." (vs. 4-8a)

John 13:34-35 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

So, I wouldn't normally say that there is anyone I don't love. I might say I don't necessarily like that person, but I do love them. As I've examined this mindset some, and thought about what the Bible says, I've realized I'm fooling myself. There are people I know that have hurt me in some way or another, there are people I know that are difficult to get along with, there are people I know that frustrate me and drive me crazy (sometimes just by mention of their name), there are people who have taken advantage of me... Some of those people I no longer have any sort of interaction with, but I can tell you that what I feel deep down when they are brought up in conversation doesn't fit the definition of love from 1 Corinthians. And the way I react to the people from those categories that I do interact with doesn't fit that definition either. I try to not be outright rude or hateful to anyone, but absence of hate does not equal presence of love. I don't see "love puts up with people" or "love refrains from sharing what you're really wanting to say" up there anywhere. The human response to being wronged, or mistreated, or even just frustrated is not to love the person. Many kids I have worked with will respond with, "Well, he/she did it to me first," when I catch them doing something they shouldn't. I cannot tell you how many times I have said, "Just because someone did something to you doesn't mean you can do it back." I'm realizing that I need to listen to myself. Someone treating me in a way that makes me feel unloved does not give me the right to treat them the same way. Something else I've noticed isn't included in 1 Corinthians 13 is any sort of timeline. It does not say, "Love is patient the first 12 times, after that all bets are off." There is never any justification for treating any person without love, no matter what they have done to me or how many times. I'm going to get a little more personal. There is one person I have been having this issue with for over a year now. I realized early on that I was not reacting to said person in a very Christlike manner. Like I said early, I was not outright rude, but I also wasn't trying to be nice or show love. Every time I would decide to start again, and really try to approach this person with the right attitude, they would do something else to make it hard to do that. There is a quote from Evan Almighty (I don't know your feelings on the movie, but this is a good quote, promise) that I really like, and have been reminded of a couple times lately: "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does He give him courage or opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" I have been praying for a change in attitude towards this person, and everytime I'd think I finally have it, I'd have some sort of interaction with them and discover I still felt the same way. I shared this quote before, but, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." My feelings aren't going to "magically" be changed..I have to live like I've changed. This requires completely adjusting how I think and handle things, but it can be done. I have to see this person as God sees them, and not as someone that can drive me absolutely crazy. And it needs to be that way with ALL people, the ones who have hurt me, used me, made me mad, whatever... Because there is something else the Bible says about love: "If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has seen." (1 John 4:20). If I'm not living a life of love to ALL people, regardless of who they are or what they have done, I can't truly say I love God.

Church

Apparently I have more to say then I realized :). I don't believe in coincidences. Just the other day I was talking to my friend Julie, and for some reason or other we were talking about churches. I talked about my frustration with churches getting so stuck on doing things a certain way, being small minded and confined to a box, and also my frustration with churches getting torn apart over arguments that don't matter in the long run. Please keep reading before you make any comments on those statements. My non-coincidence is that last night I felt like I should re-read 1 Corinthians. So, I read chapter 1, and guess what it talks about? Divisions in the church. I think churches as a whole need to rethink how they are doing things and WHY they are doing things. Sometimes a church gets so stuck on it's denomination and following the rules of the denomination I think they miss the point. When we start making all these extra rules and making those rules more important than the gospel and sharing that gospel with a lost and dying world I think we're being a lot like the Pharisees. They were so wrapped up in following their rules, and being righteous in their own eyes that when God was right before their eyes they didn't even recognize Him. Sad, sad day for them. 1 Corinthians 1:10 says, "Now I exhort you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all agree and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be made complete in the same mind and in the same judgment." This summer I decided to get a "grown up" Bible (meaning I got a Macarthur Study Bible, that has notes), because the Bible I had was a $10 Bible my dad had gotten me to take to class. Nothing wrong with that Bible, it was still God's word, but I had underlined and made so many notes in it that I was always drawn to what I'd underlined and written and was just skimming that rather than really taking in the word. I also decided to switch from NIV to NASB just for something different. Anyway, the notes on that verse say, "Doctrinal unity, clearly and completely based on Scripture must be the foundation of all church life. Both weak commitment to doctrine and commitment to disunity of doctrine will severly weaken a church and destroy true unity." It also says that Paul is talking about unity among the local assembly of believers, and not the universal church. Last night I looked at the beliefs of some various denominations. Most of them believed that a relationship with Jesus is the only way to heaven. Many of them have similar foundational beliefs about the trinity, heaven, and what's to come. The place where they really differ is what sorts of things are emphasized after salvation (for example: baptism or speaking in tongues). If at the core of it all the churches in a community believe that Jesus is the only hope for our lost and dying world, then why can't they put aside the other differences and work together to spread that hope? The speaker at the Disciple Now weekend I was just at at my parents church down in Lawton said that most people don't have a problem with Jesus, they have a problem with Christians (something along those lines). It's so frustrating to me to see a church reject something because that's "not how things have always been". Let me say it again, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten." Different isn't necessarily bad. And if you aren't pleased with the results you are getting then maybe different is what you need. It's also frustrating to see churches get wrapped up in an argument, and maybe even split, because if as Christians our focus is on fighting one another then we are being removed from the real fight that is going on, the one we can't see. One that gets me the most is predestination. Does it necessarily matter if we are predestined or not? I believe the great commission says to go to "all the world", not "all the world that I chose ahead of time." Now, let me clarify something, I believe that you need to know what you believe and why. I'm not saying we need to go out there willy-nilly and just accept everything that is given to us by any church leader. To grow as a Christian we must be constantly looking at God's word, taking it to heart, and using it as the standard to measure anything that anyone tells us. If you can't find where it lines up with what God has to say, then it's probably not something you should take to heart. I don't know if my point is being made clearly here. I just feel like if churches in different communities were united in the cause of reaching our LOST and DYING world with CHRIST'S LOVE we would see something amazing happen. In the end, accepting Him as savior is what's going to get you into heaven...not baptism, speaking in tongues, the Lord's supper, going to church, dancing or not dancing, the music your church plays, whether or not their are instruments, or whatever. We shouldn't be about growing the Baptist church or the Pentecostal church or the Methodist church or the Lutheran church or what have you, but on offering salvation to as many people as possible. I will end with another non-coincidence. I was looking through "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis looking for a quote of his that I really like. I never did find it, but I ran across something else I underlined that deals with this subject. (You may notice that I quote a lot of books, music, movies, etc..if someone else has already said it well, then why should I try to say it any different?).

"In the same way the Church exists for nothing else but to draw men into Christ, to make them little Christs. If they are not doing that, all the cathedrals, clergy, missions, sermons, even the Bible itself are simply a waste of time. God became Man for no other purpose. It is even doubtful, you know, whether the whole universe was created for any other purpose. It says in the Bible that the whole universe was made for Christ and that everything is to be gathered together in Him."

A Positive Attitude

I said that part of my purpose in writing this blog was to hold myself accountable... sometimes that will mean admitting things I maybe don't want to admit. This is one of those times. I tend to be a negative person. I get somewhat cynical when it comes to thinking about good things happening to me, and I also worry a lot. I used to tell myself not to get my hopes up too high because I'd just end up disappointed. If you don't have any sort of expectation, you can't be let down, right? And I used to think that I had to worry because no one else would. However, if there was someone else around that was negative or worrying then I would try to make them think more positively or stop their worrying. Don't quite understand my reasoning there. As far as the negativity thing goes my sister, Jessica, is opposite me. If it's a rainy, dreary day I feel like wearing dreary clothes to match. She goes the other way and wears as many bright colors as possible so that there is some brightness in the day. You know the Relient K song that says, "Lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I." That could definitely apply to me. And when I have carried on to her about a rough day, she'll say, "Well, what was something good that happened today?" I realize that I have this problem, and they always say (they being the people that say things) the first step in fixing a problem is admitting that the problem exists in the first place. So, I've been working on having a positive attitude lately. It's not been easy either. A lot of people know that I do not care for Tuesdays. Mondays I can handle alright because their the first day of the work week, and it's like a fresh start. Wednesdays are the middle of the week, Thursday is almost Friday, and then Friday is Friday, and of course there's the weekend. Tuesdays are just an annoying filler day. And it seems like things that have gone wrong have happened on Tuesdays, and there are other things that happen every Tuesday that aren't particularly pleasant. Every Tuesday I wake up expecting it to be a bad day. Well, if that's my attitude toward it then most likely it will be a bad day. Not necessarily because bad things are going to happen because I think they will, but because my expectations are set on the "bad" things I will notice them and completely miss out on whatever good things may happen. I feel like the Tuesdays that I make the decision to have a good attitude about end up being even worse than when I just don't think about it. However, I'm only being tested on what I'm trying to do, so I need to continue facing every Tuesday with a more positive mindset. I have a book called, "The Bible Promise Book for Women" that has different Scriptures broken down by topic, and at the beginning of the section on Perseverance (fyi I have a bookmark in that section and read it A LOT) there is a quote from Margaret Thatcher that says, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." I've been fighting this Tuesday battle a lot and losing. Today I think I had some small victories. My kids said some funny things today. They say funny things most day, but I am choosing to remember those things over frustrations and annoyances from the day. We've been working on writing their names a lot, and today the four that were there for the morning did the best they have ever done. It was so exciting to see the work we've been putting in really paying off. My job can be very frustrating, and some times I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, but today I was reminded that sometimes what I say does get through, and that we just have to keep plugging away. As for my worrying issue, I have gotten better at not worrying. The Bible specifically says not to worry in Luke 12:22-34. In verse 25 & 26, Jesus says, "And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why then do you worry about other matters?" I'm pretty sure worrying quickly shaves hours off my life rather than lengthening it or deepening it. That second part just now struck me, about not being able to do a little thing. We can't add time to our lives, so why waste the time we do have being negative and being wrapped up in worry? And I certainly don't think that living life with low expectations is the way to go, because that can turn into a life without hope, and I most certainly have hope, and I think from there can turn into a life of indifference. And an indifferent, hopeless life is not what I'm looking for.

Cats and Christianity

I am not a cat person. However, I am definitely not a mouse person. I had a mouse problem in my rent house, and I caught three mice, but there was one that refused to die. I tried glue traps, snap traps, and poison. At one point I even chased him around my kitchen with glue traps in hand. If you've seen the movie Mouse Hunt, I'm pretty sure my mouse was that mouse's cousin... Anyway, I was so desperate to be rid of that pesk that I got a cat. I NEVER dreamed I would have a cat. The day I made this decision I wasn't feeling very well, so Jessica and Steve went out to the area of the KMart parking lot that is designated for people giving away animals and picked up the cat that is Roscoe. He was seven weeks old when I got him, and he was tiny. He fit in one hand. He was soft and cuddly and so sweet. Then one day he went psycho and he is now the cat that most people know and are unsure of. He is still soft and he's beautiful, but he will turn on you without a moments notice. The scars on my hands, arms, and ankles are evidence of this. I don't know what happened, it was literally an overnight change. Anyway. I was driving home from Lawton today, and Roscoe was sitting in my lap being oh so sweet. All weekend long he tormented all the people staying at my parents house. Everyday when I get home from work he will come and rub on my legs, and I pick him up and within five minutes he is biting me. I've tried a spray bottle, I've tried distracting him with toys, I've tried "time out" (something we read online, don't know whose idea that was), and nothing works. I often catch myself thinking, "I feed him, I give him a place to stay, I provide everything for him, yet he continues to bite my hand and be hateful." As I was driving and contemplating Roscoe's bi-polarness (yes, I'm making up words now), it struck me that Christians do the same thing. We have a God that loves us and provides for us, yet we continue to "bite" Him by doing our own thing, being stubborn and only caring about ourselves and what we want to do. Roscoe is a lot nicer to me when there are a lot of people around. Possibly because there are more people for him to bite, and when certain persons won't stop tormenting him he can come to me for safety. However, when it's just the two of us all bets are off. I think Christians do something like that also. To other people we may talk the talk big time, but when we are alone with God it's a different story. When we face a trial we may appear to be leaning on Him, but one on one we're blaming Him or complaining to Him or questioning Him. How often, I wonder, does He look at us (really I'm talking about myself here) and think, "I provide all this for her, yet she continues to turn on me." And He has provided so much more for me than I provide for Roscoe. I've been told that cats are stubborn, and that people don't own cats the cats own their people. I can't help but think that our attitude should be more like dogs. They're known for their loyalty, and some even show unconditional love to people that don't deserve it. I think one of my favorite examples is from the movie "Up" (and I'm aware that is an animated movie, and not real life). When Dug, the "good" dog, first meets Carl and Russell he says, "I just met you, but I love you." That's a much more pleasant attitude. And leaves less scars on my hands... Clearly if you have an active, growing relationship with Jesus it shouldn't be an "I just met you" love, it should grow deeper every moment of every day, but it should be that pure. I don't know, just thoughts I had.

Note: This time last year I could say without a doubt that I was a different and better person than I had been at that time the year before. Right now I feel like I've gotten stuck in a rut, and it's really frustrating. I've heard a lot lately, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten." So, I'm trying to change things up, which is why I'm making it known that I even have this blog. I'm not really looking to have a lot of dedicated readers, but I think just knowing that there is the possibility of people I know reading this will make a difference. Sort of an accountability thing for me. I don't usually like to be very transparent, but I think that is something I need to be doing. I shouldn't feel like I need to hide anything. So, here I am, being transparent. Whether anyone actually reads this or not, or comments or not doesn't so much matter. I just know that it's out there, and that someone could read it. Also, let me forewarn anyone who may read this, I may seem quiet in person, but once I get writing I can go on and on, so don't feel obligated to read every last word :). I'm also banking on this helping me sleep at night, I can get my thoughts out so they aren't keeping me awake all night...5:30 comes fast!

Will Power

I've discovered that I can access my blog from work! Most sites (facebook and the like) are blocked, so I was a little excited to find I can still share my thoughts with the world ;). I have a large chunk of plan time between my morning and afternoon classes, and then again when the afternoon kiddos leave, I don't use up all that time to plan so I'm often left trying to pass the time until I can go home! So, one of the biggest changes I'm making in my life regards my nutrition and exercise. I come from a very active family, but the past few years I've watched myself do less and less to stay fit. Now here I am, weighing much more than I should, and I want to make changes. There is no miracle diet out there for me, or anyone for that matter, I know it means making the right choices. I've actually been doing quite well, and I'm planning a trip to the gym after work to get back on track there. I'd been very consistent in my workouts before the holidays...Anywho, that's not my point. I heard (or read I don't remember) once that each person only has so much will power "assigned" to them. That's why some people may be really good at holding their tongue or controlling their temper, but don't do so well when it comes to spending money or eating right. The idea was that you could put all of your allotment of will power into controlling yourself well in one area, or maybe spread out that allotment and just do ok in many areas. For a very long time I thought that maybe this was true. That I'm putting all my effort into controlling myself in other areas, and that is why I struggle with eating right and exercising like I should. I've decided this is a cop out. Part of the problem I see with the world today is that everyone is looking for someone or something else to blame for what's wrong in their lives rather than accepting any personal responsibility. We're kinda trained to be that way too..with different therapists, and "wise" persons telling you it's not your fault, you were just raised the wrong way, or your teachers didn't give you an opportunity or whatever. Maybe some of those things are in fact true, and have had some effect on you, but you control yourself. I don't think we can sit back and let our circumstances just happen and then point the blame at anyone and everyone else. It's our own fault for sitting there and letting it happen. As the saying goes, "Every time you point the finger there are three more pointing back at you." I think you can build up will power, and it starts with accepting that some of what's wrong is your own fault from decisions you've made or failed to make. I realize that in some instances things are beyond your control, but don't let life just happen to you and then get mad at everyone else. And coming from the perspective of someone who has a personal relationship with Jesus, I have access to the One who has all the will power in the world and will lovingly share with me if I only ask.