For My Sisters

It's not always easy being one of four girls. I feel like sometimes people view us as more of a "unit" than as four individual people, you know, "The Madison girls". I don't know that that is so much an issue now that I'm doing this whole "grown up" thing, and Jess is in college, but we are definitely very much four different people. I am very thankful for each of my sisters, we're a pretty close bunch, and I know a lot of that has to do with our lifestyle growing up. With our dad being in the Army we were always moving, and every time that we moved we only had one another. I also think that when we started homeschooling my freshman year of high school we definitely started growing closer. I remember that first year, it was crazy! I definitely do not enjoy confrontation, and for the most part when something happens to me that I don't care for I won't really say much (at least to the person doing me wrong), and I feel like I'm mostly laid back and that it takes more to make me really mad. However, say or do anything to my family and I'm instantly up and ready to fight. There are two very specific times I can think of that I got extremely upset, and actually got very verbal with someone, and both times involved things that happened to my sisters. At basketball games I take note of the girls fouling my sisters...I realize it's part of the game, but it is not ok to mess with my sisters! Anyway, Hannah is about to turn 16, Stefanie is going to be graduating high school, and Jess is headed off to Africa in the fall...and I get extremely sad thinking about it. So, I want to dedicate this blog to my sisters, and all the things I find wonderful about them!

Jessica: I have some very specific memories about the time before and right after she was born. I remember one day walking past our parents talking about if the baby would be a boy or girl, and they were saying they wanted a boy. I just said, "I want a sister," and continued on my way...lo and behold there she were. I also remember a day that everyone came to see the new baby, and no one stopped to say hi to me and I didn't understand why, but I try to not hold that against her ;). It's funny to me to think about our relationship, because for a long time I thought of her as my annoying little sister, yet she was always the one that I would come talk to when something was bothering me or I just didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I remember how much we used to fight..and not just yelling at one another, but punching, biting, scratching, the works. Until that night Daddy made us fight til we were begging to quit...I guess it worked, because we never beat each other up again. We've called her Pocahontas for a very long time, and I think that's a nickname that still holds true. I remember looking out our kitchen window in NC seeing her do what I like to call your "Pocahontas walk" as she'd try to catch squirrels or whatever other critters were passing through our yard. We may have our differences from time to time, but we are always always able to talk it out. It's hard for me to think about her being half way around the world for an entire semester, and I know there are things about it that are frightening to her, but I also know that it is an awesome experience that God is allowing her, and I am so extremely excited for her. She's my Jessita sister and I love her dearly.

Stefanie: So, I remember before Stef was born I had a dream that my mom had the baby and it was a boy. I got up and looked in the crib that was already set up in our room the next morning, thinking that I really did have a little brother...turns out my mom was still pregnant, and turns out she did not have a boy. I don't remember Stefanie actually being born, which makes me sad, but I do remember getting to hold her, and that was a big deal. Stefanie has always been beautiful, with her big blue eyes, dark hair (that was curly and stinking cute when she was little...not saying it's not cute now, Stef!), and ridiculous skin that gets more tan when she just thinks about the sun. It's funny to me that I dreamed she was a boy, and she ended up being the most tomboy of us girls. I know Jess and I used to get so irritated with her because she'd just wear basketball shorts and tshirts ALL the time, and she could look cute wearing anything, which most girls can't say. I love her sense of humor, and I love how incredibly caring and thoughtful she is. She bought me a silverware set when I graduated high school, and I still have that silverware, and it is very special to me, because it is from her. I've enjoyed watching her grow up, even though I feel like with her and Hannah I missed a part of their lives because they both suddenly grew up while I was away at college... I think I've been in denial that she is growing up, and I think that is part of the reason I cried when I saw her in the first prom dress she tried on and why I still sometimes cry when I stalk all her prom pictures :). Stefanie, you are such an awesome little person (I'm glad you are still shorter than me!! lol), and I am praying that college opens you up so that more people can know how amazing you are! I'm so excited about you living closer to me!

Hannah: Oh, Hannah. The day you were born I came home from school, found out it was another girl, and went up to my room :). I'm sorry that at age 6 I wasn't more excited, if I'd known what you would be like I definitely would've been. Hannah has always been her own person. She was fixing her own food and putting herself down for naps when she was three. We'd all be downstairs, and someone would say, "Where's Hannah?" So, we'd go looking for her, and there she'd be asleep because she got tired. For some reason she got the whole concept of "if you're tired, you should sleep" that most small children never seem to grasp. Hannah also used to be the scariest of us all ;). She could hold her own in a fight with any of us, and we'd actually fight over who had to sit next to her in her carseat because if she got mad, and you were in arms length, your hair would be pulled and you'd be beat. However, she is also extremely sweet. Once we drove over a really long bridge (I think it was on the way to Niagra Falls), and I was scared because some bridges freak me out, and Hannah stuck her little hand out and held my hand the whole way. Another time, when we lived in NC I was really sick, and Hannah sat by the couch and held my hand til I fell asleep...and she was only three. She is extremely creative, and very thoughtful. She is a hard worker. I've always said that Jess and Stef are very naturally athletic whereas Hannah and I have to work at it a little more, and Hannah will definitely put in the effort. If she wants something, she does what needs to be done to get it. She doesn't care much what people think of her, and that is something I very much admire about her. I can't believe she is going to be 16 in a few weeks...what is the world coming too? Hannah, good luck next year when you are home without all of us :).

All of my sisters are growing up into these beautiful young ladies who I am extremely proud of, and I don't think I can say it enough. I could go on and on about how awesome they are, and I talk about them any chance I get, I'm all about bragging on them :). Jessi Lou, Stefanooch, and Hannah Banana I love each one of you so very very much, and I hope that is something that you never doubt or question! It freaks me out that you are all growing up, but I'm also so excited to see what God has in store for you all. Just let me know if there is anyone I need to take out for you :)

Renewing My Mind

"Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions."

I know I used that quote in another entry, but I can't get it out of my head here lately...my church has been working on our new website, and a phrase we're using that sums up what our church is about is "Giving the life of Jesus to the world." To me Christianity is not about a religion, but a relationship. Really relationships. The most important is the relationship I have with God, but then that relationship should spill over into all the others in my life. Everything I do should be a reflection of my relationship with Him. And I know for a fact I am guilty of not doing that. I have not done a very good job of giving the life of Jesus to the world. I realized that the other day that maybe one of my biggest problems at work is my mindset. Yes, a lot has been thrown at me, and yes there are people I have to deal with that aren't the easiest to get along with, but if I changed my mindset about everything that would make a big difference. I don't think it will eliminate all unpleasantness, but it would definitely make things more bearable. A verse that has been mentioned a lot lately is Romans 12:2: "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." The part sticking out to me the most at this time being "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." I don't think that's a one time thing either. Maybe I am successful in one situation, but I have to be on guard for the next time and the next time, and really focus on having the right mindset until it becomes the mindset I always have...sort of forming a habit. I had a little bit of a meltdown today. The school year is winding down. We have 22 more school days, but in that time I still have 6 IEP meetings to hold. I've gotten them all scheduled, but I need to actually do the paperwork. VBS is coming up very quickly and I'm not prepared for that at all. I have a sister with a big birthday coming up and another sister graduating high school. I'm working on writing the children's church curriculum that we're going to use when we finish up the unit we're on right now. I'm constantly planning for something. On top of all that I have a house to keep clean that I'm also trying to get painted..and then I'm supposed to take care of myself somewhere in there. I feel like I barely stay on top of the stuff I know about, and then it seems lately that there are constantly things popping up that I had no way to see coming. For example, Calliope, my puppy has been sick since yesterday. I thought that she'd started getting better, but I was wrong. I don't know what is wrong with her, and I don't like not being able to fix things. I've spent a large portion of the time I was home yesterday and today cleaning up what's left behind from her sickness. At one point I was laying on the floor next to her crying because I was sure I'd reached the end of what I could handle. I decided to call my sister, Jessica, and she was kind enough to come over. I really just didn't want to be alone, but she went above and beyond. She helped me get some pedialyte in Calli so she doesn't get dehydrated before I can get her to the vet in the morning, and then she cleaned my kitchen while I continued cleaning up after Calli in my living room and bedroom. And most importantly she prayed with me before she left. I needed that because it helped me get ahold of myself, instead of running around kinda like a crazy person not actually getting anything done. As I was getting my room in order I was thinking about how stressed I get at the little unexpected things that pop up, and that quote at the top came to mind. Jesus came and did His thing on this earth knowing that what He was ultimately headed towards was a brutal, painful death on a cross. He never had a freak out moment though. He didn't ever say, "I'm sorry blind man, I can't heal you, that wasn't in my plan for the day." He rolled with whatever came at Him. And if I'm trying to have His mindset that's what I need to be doing. Even at my crazy job, or when my puppy is sick. I've been counting down to the end of the school year, ready for next year and a clean slate. I think I need to focus on finishing this school year out strong, and starting everyday with a clean slate instead of waiting til next year. I don't think Jesus ever laid on the floor crying over his helplessness, so I'm going to work on not doing that anymore either :)

All Things New

This is somewhat a continuation of yesterday's post... I didn't want that one to be any longer than it was though :). I like for things to be clean. I am actually a person who finds some sort of weird enjoyment in cleaning the bathroom, but only because I like watching it become clean. I've been working on updating my house and making it my own, and it's a long process as I save money for different things and then actually find time to paint and all that. I've gotten base coats painted in my living room and kitchen. The living room coat was "interesting" to paint because it was a white base coat going on a white wall. However, there is already a big difference in the room because the walls are now incredibly clean. There were a few places where there were some chips of paint missing, places where dirty hands had touched the wall, and now they are all covered in clean, beautiful paint (I am adding a color over the white, fyi, just haven't gotten around to it). It's like my living room and kitchen have a new life.

I have never been one that can quote Scripture off the top of my head. I know people that seem to have a verse for anything and everything, they can even tell you where it's found. I can maybe give a poor paraphrase of a verse and just tell you that it's in there somewhere. A few times here lately I've noticed that a certain verse or group of verses will be on my mind a lot, so I always look them up to get clear in my head exactly what it says. "Oddly" enough I will end up needing those verses in a situation, or to share with someone...funny how that works, huh? The other day the verse that talks about becoming new creation came to mind, so I looked it up, and the whole passage around that verse stuck out to me.

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet we know Him in this way no longer. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature, the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled Himself to us through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" 2 Corinthians 5:16-21

Something else about God that completely amazes me is that even though He knew long before I was born that I would do all sorts of things that would disappoint and hurt Him He still chose to create me. Before God even made people He knew that sin would enter the world, that the punishment for sin was eternal separation from Him, and that the way for Him to save us would be to sacrifice His only Son...AND HE STILL CREATED US! But He didn't stop at creation, He did send His Son, and through accepting His sacrifice we are made new, given new life, like my walls. In Isaiah it talks about how we are all unclean, that even our righteousness is like filthy rags (according to people much smarter than me the filthy rags are the equivalent of menstrual rags, which is pretty nasty...so you get the picture that we are dirty people?). However, in Isaiah it also talks about how Jesus was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, and that by His stripes we are healed. (Side note: A recent new friend of mine designs and sells tshirts, and he has a pretty awesome one from that passage in Isaiah, check his stuff out at fhscmerch.storenvy.com...or find him on facebook under Bryan Conway :) I realize there are a lot of big words in all those verses, like reconciliation, iniquity, transgression..but it all boils down to He made us, we let Him down, He loves us and He took our punishment so that we can be made new (and clean!). I don't know about you, but I really felt His love for me pouring out of those verses in 2 Corinthians. But those verses don't stop with us being made new, it also says that we are to be His ambassadors, making the appeal on God's behalf that others be reconciled to Him as well. His gift isn't one for us to accept and then stop there, we need to be making it known to anyone and everyone we can. We've got THE BEST thing ever, and we should be sharing it with the lost and hurting world that could use a new, clean start!

Overwhelming love

When I sit and really think about the things God has done for me and how much He loves me it takes my breath away. There are so many little things throughout the day that I know are expressions of His love, and even if I've had a bad day when I look at those "little" things they add up, and it's as if all the bad things just fade away. I think that's one of my favorite things about how God works, in the small seeming insignificant moments...it doesn't always have to be this huge display.
One of my favorite Old Testament passages is 1 Kings 19. Elijah has just had the mountaintop face off with the prophets of Baal, and has emerged victorious. However, he is in hiding and begging God to take his life because Jezebel is out to get him. He prays for death, then lies down to sleep under a tree. An angel comes and wakes him up, and tells him to eat (food has appeared on the rock). It happens a second time and then he heads to Horeb (aka Mt. Sinai). He's up there in a cave and God comes and asks, "What are you doing here?" Elijah talks about how he has been very zealous for the Lord, even though the sons of Israel have turned against Him, and that he is the only one left. God tells him to go stand on the mountain because He is going to pass by, and these are my favorite verses from this chapter: "And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of gentle blowing." (vs. 11&12) When Elijah heard the gentle blowing he covered his face, and then a voice came again asking him what he was doing there. He repeats what he said earlier, and God gives him instructions that include a promise that Elijah will not be the only faithful one left. I love verses 11 &12, because there is all this loud thundering and destruction, and then God comes in the gentle blowing. I think people miss that a lot. They feel like they aren't hearing anything from God, but that's because they are looking for Him in some sort of big display of power. That's not to say that God doesn't work in big displays, I believe He does, however I think more often it's the little moments that we can see Him and feel Him.
One of my favorite times of day is when I drive to work in the morning. Not because I love being up that early, and not because I'm always super excited to go to work, but because I get to see the sun coming up in my rearview mirror. I LOVE sunrises (and sunsets)...really the sky is one of my favorite parts of creation, I really enjoy the night sky and seeing all the stars as well. No matter how many sunrises or sunsets I have seen I am always in awe of the beauty and colors. I hope that never changes. It's always calming to me when I see the sun coming up, and I feel very loved in that moment.
I've also noticed a lot of these little moments at work as well. It never fails that at a moment when I think I've reached the end and just can't take it anymore one of my kids will say or do something so sweet, or maybe just funny and it shakes me out of the funk I'm in. I feel like it's God saying, "Hey, I got this, now calm down!" Those moments are so precious to me, because I know they are from Him. I could list examples forever of God's love coming to me in the "gentle blowing". I've felt very overwhelmed by His love this week, when I keep my mind on what He has done for me and the many, many blessings He has provided...especially since I am so very undeserving. "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You." Psalm 63:3

Something More

I'm going to warn you now that there are going to be quite a few quotes, and song and movie references here :). I don't know exactly where to start, there are things I've been thinking about for awhile now, and some that are newer, and they all somehow tie together- even if I maybe can't make the connection right now- so I apologize if I bounce from thing to thing. I went to Acquire the Fire with my youth group (I went as a sponsor, I was not trying to pass as a youth like my dad accused me of doing lol) last weekend, and the main thing they talked about was identity and where we are finding our identity. I realized about three years ago that I'd been finding my identity in the wrong things- mainly relationships I was in- and have been working to change that since. At ATF I realized I still haven't finished working on that. Though I'm not seeing my identity so much in my relationships anymore, I do find myself finding it in the things I do- being a teacher or doing children's ministry stuff, for example. My relationships with my family, friends, and others are not bad things, and being a teacher and children's minister are not bad things either..finding my identity in them is a bad thing though. ALL of those things can go away, and then what would I be left with? This leads me to finding my identity in Christ, and being who HE says I am and seeing myself as He sees me. If my identity is found in Jesus, then my life should be a reflection of that, correct? Perfection would be me living a life that constantly shows Christ and His love to everyone around me. Clearly, I am not a perfect person...but that is what I should be working for nonetheless. Being Christlike is something I've struggled with for many, many years. How exactly am I supposed to be just like Jesus? A big area I struggled with was my thoughts, because I didn't see how I could constantly think about Jesus. We're always told "keep your eyes on Him" or "focus on Him"...I don't know how to do that 24/7 and not just sit in a dark room doing nothing else. Somewhere I came across this quote that has greatly helped me with this: "Every thought we think, in every hour we live, must be not necessarily about Christ, but it must be the thought Christ would think were He placed in our circumstances and subject to our conditions." I like to think of it as the "WWJD" of thoughts. "What would Jesus think?" When I catch myself going off on some rampant in my mind, I try to slow down and see it from His perspective instead. This is definitely still a work in progress for me, but it really changes things and affects my attitude in a positive way. Finding my identity in Christ has to start inside, I think, because just talking about it means nothing. You know that whole "Actions speak louder than words" bit? In Luke 6:45 it says, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." So, to really live a life reflecting an identity found in Christ we need to start with our hearts and our minds. Which means we also have to look at what we're putting into our hearts and our minds, because what goes in is going to come out eventually. Like the verse in Luke says, if we have good stored up then that's what will come out, and if it's evil...we get the picture.

I guess this goes to part two of what I'm dealing with right now. I'm still trying to figure out what it is I want to do with my life :). I've got a bachelor's degree, and I'm in my second year of teaching, but I don't know that I want to teach forever. And I don't know if that is even what I'm supposed to do forever. I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my master's degree (I actually found something I'm very interested in possibly pursuing)...it's something I go through everyday. I used to think I knew the plan for my life- clearly I do not. There are many other things I'd be doing right now if the plans I thought I knew had panned out. I've always known I wanted to do something that was helping others. That has always been something I enjoy doing. And if it's something I'm capable of doing, then I believe I should do it. That's also something that has caused some problems for me, I like to be able to "fix" things. For instance, when a friend of mine has something going on I want to fix things so they don't have to deal with it anymore...not usually my place to fix things, and I've had to learn that the hard way. I acknowledge that I'm not going to go out and fix all the problems in the world, BUT I know Someone that can and I can at least share Him with the world. I watched the Blindside a week ago (I'm behind, I know), and that story got me to thinking. I know there are a lot of kids in this area that are in similar situations, and I want to do something about it. I went to a Fight the Fade show last night (if you don't know who Fight the Fade is you need to look them up! They're on facebook and myspace), and I had the opportunity to pray with a girl who responded during the altar call. She just turned 13 last week, and has only been a Christian for a year. This girl has been through a lot in her life, to include losing a sister last year, and living with a mother who is an on again off again drug addict. She sat down with me, and just poured out all this stuff that she is dealing with and wanted prayer for. I wanted to cry, but she just shared it. It wasn't like she didn't care, but she has accepted that this is what she has to deal with and she's really handling it all exceptionally well for a 13 year old. I think she really needed to talk to someone, and she really needed to know someone else was praying for her on those things. Anyway, there were a few things that she said that really struck me. For one, she said that after her sister died that got her thinking about what she was living for and what will happen to her when she dies and that is why she went to church and got saved. She told me that her mom is mad at God and that she blames Him for taking her sister away. And she told me that she told her mom that there was a purpose for her sister being taken away, and that she believes part of that purpose was her own salvation. The fact that she realizes that at 13 amazed me. Also, she was talking about how her mom won't let her go to church on Sundays, so she only gets to go on Wednesday nights when her other sister takes her, and that she wants to keep up with church, and praying and reading her Bible, because she wants to tell everyone she can about God and what He did for her. Again, this from the mouth of a 13 year old. I was extremely encouraged by what she shared, that despite the hurt she was dealing with and all the hard things going on in her life, she just wanted to share Jesus with anyone and everyone, and I told her that. I prayed with her and for her, but it ended up being a big blessing to me too. All this to say, I want to do something more. I don't know what it is. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I just want more than a life of just working and living. "There must be more than this provincial life" to quote Belle in Beauty and the Beast :). There are some things floating in my head, but they are not quite ready to be shared with the general public. However, that's something you, if you've read this far, can pray with me about. For clear guidance and direction. I know all these crazy ideas aren't in my head for no reason. There are people to be reached, and I'm with the girl I prayed with last night- I just want to tell everyone what God has done for me and what He can do for them!