Moving On

As I was originally going through the thoughts that are this blog post they were going to be listed more as questions that I wanted some input on. I was a little concerned about making some of these questions public because then I'd be getting pretty personal, and would reveal some struggles I have that maybe I'm not so ready to reveal. However, I said that was part of the point of this blog, for me to be more transparent..and real, I suppose. Anyway, they were going to be questions for whoever might read this and care to share their input to share away, but I decided to do some of my own research with Someone that has all the answers, first. If you do happen to read this and have something to add, please do so, by all means. I've realized that I'm not very good at forgetting things and moving on. I always analyze EVERYTHING. Causes me a lot of problems too. You'd think that since I realize I do this I'd stop, but apparently it's not that easy. I find myself analyzing why I analyze...it's just a vicious cycle. My questions were: how do you forget the hurts and insecurities and move on? And if someone has hurt me, I say I have forgiven them, but I don't forget the pain does that mean I haven't really forgiven them? I was talking with my 18 year old cousin the other day (so weird to me that he's 18..and this was really an out of the blue conversation), about how we can't hold onto our past. That we can't get so focused on the past, and the "could've been/should've been". That we need to take whatever lesson we can learn from our experiences and then continue on. As I was saying these things I realized that I was saying them more to myself than anyone. There are things I've thought I've forgiven, let go of, or moved on from- some from quite a ways back- that I apparently haven't. I am my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic. Anytime I disappoint myself I immediately bring up all those old things and beat myself down with them. Which just makes getting up again harder each time, because there are all the new things on top of the old. There are some areas where this is really becoming a big hindrance in things that I know I am supposed to be doing. A couple of years ago I read "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. One of the biggest things I remember from that book is that they said you cannot fully experience God's love unless you love yourself and allow Him to love you. His love is a free gift (to me, it cost Him His Son), but I have to accept it. When I bring up my old hurts and insecurities I am not loving myself, and most certainly not allowing Him to love me. To answer my second question up there, I'm afraid that if I hold onto the hurt another has caused me I haven't truly forgiven them, as much as I may say I have. In answer to my first question, here is some of the Scripture I came across:

"For I know that nothing can keep us from the love of God. Death cannot! Life cannot! Angels cannot! Leaders cannot! Any other power cannot! Hard things now or in the future cannot! The world above or the world below cannot! Any other living thing cannot keep us away from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"Hope never makes us ashamed because the love of God has come into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:5

"God gave us these two things that cannot be changed and God cannot lie. We who have turned to Him can have great comfort knowing that He will do what He has promised. This hope is a safe anchor for our souls. It will never move. This hope goes into the Holiest Place of All behind the curtain of heaven." Hebrews 6: 18-19

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

One thing that stood out to me in the verses from Romans 8 is that it said that life cannot get in the way of the love God has for us. That seems an odd thing to say at first. We think of death as stopping things, but life is when things happen. But we can let life get in the way...but even me and my silly analyzing and beating myself down can't stop the love of God. And nothing anyone else says or does to me can stop His love. Thank You, Lord, for that! The verses from Hebrews 6 came to mind as I was reading the Romans verses. My youth group in Germany sang a song that said, "We have this hope, as an anchor for our souls, firm and secure, we have this anchor for our souls." One of my favorite Building 429 songs says, "When everything else is changing, You are constant. Lifting my eyes to see far beyond this misery." (Constant) 1 John 4 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. I read it a lot a few years ago when I was struggling with some things, and I posted it again here as a reminder to myself. If I am letting God love me, then I won't have to deal with those hurts and insecurities and I can truly move on!

The Lost Get Found

Yesterday I discovered that I had misplaced the cd-rom that contains our children's church curriculum. I had every other disc in the pack, with all the demonstrations and sound effects and what not, but without the cd-rom it didn't matter. I needed it to get Julie the materials for this Sunday because she is filling in for me while I'm out of town. At first I was slightly annoyed that I couldn't find it. I don't usually misplace things. In fact, I'm the one people usually come to to find things. I've just always been pretty good at finding things. Can't tell you how many times I found my roommates id card when it was missing (always check under your keyboard!). I didn't have a lot of time to look for the disc at first, so I checked a few places I thought I might have set it and decided to come back to it later. I went to church last night and as I was there I was running through everywhere I thought it might be. I got home and I tore my house apart looking for it. I moved furniture, I lifted every piece of paper that was anywhere. I looked under every table, dresser, desk...nothing. At this point I was very frustrated (side note: Roscoe was being very hateful during this time which was not helping). I finally gave up and went to bed, knowing that I'd absolutely have to find it when I got home from work today. Again I tore my house apart, I looked everywhere I'd looked last night, in every bag I own, in every drawer. I even looked in rooms I KNEW it was not. It was nowhere to be found. At this point I'm ready to cry. I have felt so absentminded and forgetful lately, and that is frustrating to me, because I used to be able to say I had a mind "like a steel trap" haha. I blame stress and lack of sleep for my current state. I decided to drive down to the church to see if for some reason I'd left it there, even though I was 99.9% positive I'd never taken it to the church. At this time I'm also wondering why on earth this is happening. I believe everything happens for a reason, so a lot of times I find myself wondering "what is the point in this?" On my way to the church I thought to check in the box of VBS stuff that has been in the backseat of my car for over a week now. It ocurred to me that I'd taken the cd out of my computer, but couldn't remember where I'd set it after that. I got to the church, pulled the box up in the seat next to me, and there it was in the case with my VBS clipart discs. I felt a little foolish for how frantic I'd gotten over such a small thing, and I think that was part of the purpose..need to work on keeping my cool. However, as I drove back home (another side note: I did have some donations to drop off at the church for Cinderella's Closet, so my drive down there wasn't totally pointless :) ) I was reminded of the story of the prodigal son. My senior year of high school (sometimes seems like it was yesterday, and sometimes seems like it was FOREVER ago), my youth group went on a trip to Ibiza, Spain with other youth groups in the area for spring break. The speaker that week talked about the woman that loses her one coin, the shepherd that loses his one sheep, and then the main story for the week was the prodigal son. The woman has ten coins, but she loses one and pretty much tears her house apart until she finds it, THEN she calls her friends and has a party because she found her coin. The shepherd has 100 sheep, and one goes missing. He goes out, risks his life, and doesn't return until he has found that one sheep, then he calls his friends and celebrates with them over finding his lost sheep. In the story of the prodigal son a rich man's son asks for his inheritance early. The son goes out and wastes it, eventually ending up eating the slop that pigs eat. He realizes that servants in his father's home eat better than that, so he returns home hoping to get a job as a servant. Instead his father is waiting there with open arms and throws a huge party because his lost son has returned home. What if we put that sort of intensity and emotion into seeking out the lost of this world? One of the very last things Jesus left us with was the Great Commission: "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit..." (Matthew 28: 19) I was about to cry over a lost cd...what about the people that die daily who are lost for eternity. Think about losing your phone, or your keys, or your wallet...how do you feel when you realize it's lost? How do you feel when you're searching for it? And then how do you feel when you find it? I said earlier that I've been feeling very absentminded, and my thoughts have just been very confused lately, but this was something I thought about very clearly and it kinda shocked me. So, what if we start seeing lost people like we see something we value when it's lost? That requires a whole different way of thinking, but I think it's an extremely important change to make. By the way, all those parables about the lost items are in Luke 15 if you want to check them out!

Love God (check). Love People (....).

I realize that title maybe makes me sound like a not so nice person. Surprise, surprise, I'm not a perfect person (Hoobastank anyone? ha). This is something I've been thinking about a lot here lately. As a Christian it is very easy to say, "Yes, I love God." It may even be "easy" to live out that love. And sure it's easy to SAY "Yes, I love people," but actions speak louder than words... Think of the people you love. Most will include family and friends. Maybe you would even say you love people in general. I tend to feel that way. I definitely love my family and friends, and I don't generally harbor ill feelings towards humanity as a whole. Before I say anything else about various types of people and difficulty with loving them, a refresher on what love is. (side note: if you ever read my posts on myspace, which I no longer have, some of this may sound familiar. I apologize for the redundancy, but it's clearly something important, and things haven't changed.) Anywho. The Bible is full of talk of love, what it means, how to demonstrate it and all that. 1 Corinthians 13 is well known as the "love chapter", and lays it out pretty clear:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek out its own, is not provoked, does not take into account of wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." (vs. 4-8a)

John 13:34-35 says, "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

So, I wouldn't normally say that there is anyone I don't love. I might say I don't necessarily like that person, but I do love them. As I've examined this mindset some, and thought about what the Bible says, I've realized I'm fooling myself. There are people I know that have hurt me in some way or another, there are people I know that are difficult to get along with, there are people I know that frustrate me and drive me crazy (sometimes just by mention of their name), there are people who have taken advantage of me... Some of those people I no longer have any sort of interaction with, but I can tell you that what I feel deep down when they are brought up in conversation doesn't fit the definition of love from 1 Corinthians. And the way I react to the people from those categories that I do interact with doesn't fit that definition either. I try to not be outright rude or hateful to anyone, but absence of hate does not equal presence of love. I don't see "love puts up with people" or "love refrains from sharing what you're really wanting to say" up there anywhere. The human response to being wronged, or mistreated, or even just frustrated is not to love the person. Many kids I have worked with will respond with, "Well, he/she did it to me first," when I catch them doing something they shouldn't. I cannot tell you how many times I have said, "Just because someone did something to you doesn't mean you can do it back." I'm realizing that I need to listen to myself. Someone treating me in a way that makes me feel unloved does not give me the right to treat them the same way. Something else I've noticed isn't included in 1 Corinthians 13 is any sort of timeline. It does not say, "Love is patient the first 12 times, after that all bets are off." There is never any justification for treating any person without love, no matter what they have done to me or how many times. I'm going to get a little more personal. There is one person I have been having this issue with for over a year now. I realized early on that I was not reacting to said person in a very Christlike manner. Like I said early, I was not outright rude, but I also wasn't trying to be nice or show love. Every time I would decide to start again, and really try to approach this person with the right attitude, they would do something else to make it hard to do that. There is a quote from Evan Almighty (I don't know your feelings on the movie, but this is a good quote, promise) that I really like, and have been reminded of a couple times lately: "If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does He give him courage or opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does He give them opportunities to love each other?" I have been praying for a change in attitude towards this person, and everytime I'd think I finally have it, I'd have some sort of interaction with them and discover I still felt the same way. I shared this quote before, but, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." My feelings aren't going to "magically" be changed..I have to live like I've changed. This requires completely adjusting how I think and handle things, but it can be done. I have to see this person as God sees them, and not as someone that can drive me absolutely crazy. And it needs to be that way with ALL people, the ones who have hurt me, used me, made me mad, whatever... Because there is something else the Bible says about love: "If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has seen." (1 John 4:20). If I'm not living a life of love to ALL people, regardless of who they are or what they have done, I can't truly say I love God.