Forgive. Forget.

It's been almost two years since my last post, now seemed as good a time as any to start this up again.  Also, a friend of mine has asked multiple times when I'd write again...and I've realized it was helpful to me to clear my head in this way.  I've said it before, but I don't write here with the intentions of finding a large audience or receiving a lot of comments- it's more to get my thoughts out, and I do know a few (mostly my parents haha) will read this, and will give me some input.  So, it works.  Also, remember when I had bangs??  That's only a good idea for the two and a half days that they stay at an acceptable length.  I'll change the picture eventually.

I originally pulled this up with a specific topic in mind, but then I was reading through things I'd written before and realized I'd dealt with it before.  It was a little disheartening to realize that I haven't completely overcome this difficulty.  Though I will say this is a slightly different perspective. So, some of this may overlap with a post called "Moving On" from 2010, but other events have transpired in my life since that time and I find myself asking some similar and completely different questions.

I don't feel like I struggle with forgiving so much as the forgetting.  I know that forgiving a person- whether they ask for it or not, but I feel like forgiveness is as much for me as it is for the person who may have wronged me- does not mean what transpired is magically erased from your brain.  I also think that's probably a good thing, because we can learn from past hurts and mistakes and those things make us who we are as much as all the good times.  I suppose my main issue here is forgetting it so that I'm not living in fear of the same things happening again, or holding what someone has done to me in the past against other people.  Meaning thinking that because person A did something it's most likely that person B will do the same.  Not really fair to person B.  Not fair to myself either because I'm living waiting for something to go wrong.  

Forgiveness has been an interesting topic for me.  For the most part I forgive fairly easily, sometimes maybe too easily.  Jessica told me once that I see the good in people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, unless I let it overshadow a lot of less good things that cause me problems.  As I'm writing this I'm thinking that saying "I forgive too easily" maybe isn't even the right thing.  The Bible is very clear that we are to forgive others as Christ forgave us.  His forgiveness is freely given to us, though it cost Him a lot.  In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus about forgiveness.  This is when He says you should forgive a man seventy times seven times, and then tells the parable of the man who is forgiven a big debt and then turns around and throws another man in prison for an even smaller debt.  We have all been forgiven a huge debt through Christ, so how can we not forgive whatever transgressions others may commit against us?  So, forgiveness should be freely offered by Christians.

One of the greatest examples of forgiveness I know of is Elisabeth Elliot.  I have been in awe of her since I first read about her in middle school.  She and her husband were missionaries in Ecuador trying to reach a formerly unreached people group.  Her husband and four other men were killed by the group after making initial contact.  However, she stayed in the area and ended up living with the group that had killed her husband and the others.  Many of that tribe were saved through her and there is a photograph of one of the men responsible for her husband's death holding her daughter who was 10 months old at the time Jim was killed.  Even now I can't imagine not only staying, but then going to live with the same people that had killed my husband.  Not only did she not hold what person A had done against person B, she didn't hold it against person A.

How does this happen?  Does expecting the same offenses to happen again- whether by the original offender or by a new person- mean true forgiveness has not happened?  Or is this some other issue?  Am I the only one with this issue?   Is this a result of my humanity?  The Bible also says that when God forgives us He forgets those things- they are removed as far as the east is from the west.  Sometimes I try to think about how far that is and it hurts my head :).  I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, or if I've been completely clear...  Even as I'm rereading this I'm thinking maybe forgiving isn't my problem, but living in fear of being hurt again.  Everyone deals with hurt at some point, it's not a fun time, but it's part of the deal we have being human.  I know One person that won't cause me hurt, so maybe this is more a reflection of my lack of trusting Him to help me pick up the pieces and continue on.  This has gotten more ramble-y than I intended, but it's also been helpful to me.  A favorite passage of mine came to mind, so maybe I can tie this together and shut this post down...

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5:3-5

What I'll try to end with and take away here is that difficult times may come, but instead of worrying about more difficult times coming I can focus on what lessons I have gained from them, how I have grown, and the fact that by the grace of God I did make it through- which leaves me with hope to make it through whatever else may come.  If nothing else I have hope in my eternity with Him.  I just love that "hope does not disappoint" part of that passage.  I can tell it's been a bit since I've written, this did not flow so easily as I remember.  Hopefully writing is similar to riding a bike and it comes back to me fairly quickly :)

Well, I haven't been here in awhile...and I'm not sure where to start. Got a year and a half of thoughts to share haha. I think I'll start out with the Scripture I'll be referencing and go from there...

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers. Ps. 1:1-3

Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. Ps 46:10 (NASB)

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Ps 46:10 (NIV)

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven...He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 11

You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor figs from thistles are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. Matthew 7:16&17

Really I could leave it at that, because God's word says all that needs to be said, but I'm still going to put in my two cents :). I suppose all these thoughts started when a friend I respect and look up to very much suggested I read the book "Radical" by David Platt. This book has made a huge impact on me and my thinking. It's about how Christians and the American church have gotten wrapped up in the wrong pursuits. Things that aren't necessarily bad on their own, but when they become our focus rather than our relationship with God and sharing what Jesus has done for us with a lost and dying world they become a problem. I realized that I am guilty of this. I get so focused on "the plan" and what's next, that I forget that's not really the purpose of life. Finishing school, going to college, getting a job, getting a car, getting a house, getting married, having kids...those are all things that become more important than what we were really created for. Again, let me say, those are not bad things by any means, unless they become our focus. I know, for myself, I constantly catch myself thinking, "I just have to wait for such and such to happen and then I will really be living and enjoying the life God has for me." The Bible says in Jeremiah that God has a plan for all of us...the Bible is also clear that we need to wait on God's timing. I think that is where some problems come in. For one, some people try to hurry God's timing along and make a mess of things. The pastor at my parents church preached on that a few weeks ago. He said some people know God's will, but then they aren't willing to wait on God's timing. Moses, knew he had some purpose with the Israelites, but he went out among them, saw they Egyptian beating an Israelite and ended up committing murder. He then had to flee and hide out in the desert. Then there's Abraham- God promised him that he would be the father of many nations, but as he and his wife continued to grow older and not have any children, he doubted God's promise and decided to make children happen with his wife's servant. Then he got a son, and eventually got the son God had originally promised him through his wife, and there was conflict between all of them, and there is still conflict between their descendants to this day.

I think there is another way that waiting becomes an issue though. "Be still and know that He is God" gets thrown around a lot...I don't think that's bad, but I think some people take it too literally. They do absolutely nothing while they wait for God's plan to unfold. I think of a puddle of stagnant water that attracts mosquitoes and smells and is just generally unpleasant. What they should be is like the tree mentioned in Psalms 1. Resting by the water, but still producing fruit and providing shade. Still contributing, just not trying to make God's will happen on their own. My pastor has been preaching a series called "Where's the fruit?" and that has been so perfect with all that's been going through my mind and going on in my life. Like I said, I'm guilty of my focus getting wrong, but I'm also guilty of trying to make God's will happen in my time and in the way I think it should. And that has left me with messes to clean up. Waiting is certainly not easy, no matter what you may be waiting for, but getting God's will in His way is so much better than anything we could ever do. And while we are waiting we can still be developing our relationship with Him and being fruitful, rather than wasting away. The "in between" times of life are what make up most of life, and I know for me at least I want to know that I was using those times to grow and to share God's love with others. I think those in between times help us to see that maybe what we thought was "the plan" wasn't quite right, and helps us to see those areas that we need to work on. And in our waiting, we are resting in God and His promises, and that should still be producing fruit in our lives.

Things I've learned travelling with Fight the Fade :)

I always have to smile when I think about my life and the way some things have turned out and some of the things I've been allowed to be a part of... it's just so completely different from anything I could've ever imagined or expected. I think that's one of my favorite things about how God works though. He always goes above and beyond, it's just who He is. My job is an example of this. Anyone that knew me in school was a little surprised when they found out I took a job teaching special ed preschool, because I was pretty adamant about wanting to teach somewhere from 4th to 8th grade. The way the job came about and how it all worked out was so a God thing, I can't deny that. If this wasn't the job God had for me at this time then I certainly would not have survived to my third year! I have a whole list of things I could go on about, but for now I'm talking about my travels with Fight the Fade. If you don't know who they are then you definitely should check them out, they're on facebook, and myspace, and at fightthefade.com. A fun part of this experience has been watching the band develop. I remember two years ago at the block party at True Vine when they were just the Jason C. McPhail band. They are sooo different now than the group that played that night! I've always made an effort to go to as many shows as I can to show my support, because it's a ministry I really believe in, but in the past few months I've had the opportunity to travel with them more and participate more, rather than just being a spectator. You may not think that there would be a lot to learn travelling with a Christian rock band, but believe me there are! And I just told someone I wouldn't tell any secrets, so just know I've learned a bit more than I'm actually going to share :)



I've learned that there will always be a group of girls that argue whether Chris or Tyler is better looking lol. That Tyler can spin around on stage looking completely out of control, but manage not to fall or hit anyone. That Jason can be standing still and fall :). That Chris will always throw at least one drumstick, and definitely break more than that. That Trevor will always look for something really tall to jump from, and that I pretty much always hold my breath til he has landed without dying or killing anyone else. That if it is dark, and B-way is dressed in dark colors and closes his eyes you cannot see him. And that if he sees a friend in an awkward situation, rather than bailing them out, he'll just watch and most likely film it to share with the facebook world. That Jason will almost always say something that leaves the rest of us wondering about him...(of course, that is true all of the time, and not just during FTF stuff lol). That "boys will be boys" applies no matter the age of the "boy"... That Julie and I never seem to run out of things to talk about, or new schemes to scheme (underprivileged underachievers charter school...or Afghanistan, right? ;) lol) I've also learned that as much as I love the songs they have written, the worship/invitation part of the show is still one of my favorites... and I've learned, or really re-learned that God can use anyone to do His work as long as they are willing and obedient.



I've had the privilege of praying with girls at a few shows, and I still remember all of their names and something about their story. One of the things I find the hardest is that for a moment I can hear their story and join with them in praying about their struggles, hardships, and the hopes they have for themselves...but then I leave, most likely never to see them again, and never knowing what happens with them after that night. That's why I really make it a point to try to remember their names, so that when I think of them I can still pray for them by name. I know that God would know who I was talking about if I just said, "That girl from McAlester, or the ones in Hugo, or Broken Bow...or even Shawnee." I just prefer the personal approach. And that's something else I'm always reminded of... I can't do anything to help them. I think praying with someone when they are going through something is comforting because it's a person you can see and hug on, but really my praying isn't what makes anything better. It's all God. And I have to trust Him to continue to protect those girls and surround them with love even though I will never know what happens with them after that night. This past weekend I also realized something else, and it was actually while I was praying. I think I mentioned in a past post about a girl I prayed with that after sharing all the drama in her life with me said, "I just want to show God's love to everyone" and that was such an encouragement to me. Here she was just 13 years old, and she was dealing with a lot, but she absolutely lit up when she talked about showing God's love to everyone. I always address the requests the girls have when we pray together, but I also pray that God surrounds them with Christians that will encourage and lift them up, that they will feel overwhelmed with His love for them, that they will know the peace He gives and that they will know His strength. As I prayed with a girl on Saturday it struck me that many times the things I am praying for them I also want for myself...yet I never pray them for myself. I feel a little selfish praying those things for myself, but I realized that I also feel like I don't deserve those things. And that makes me a hypocrite, which I cannot stand. How can I tell these girls to believe that God is with them always, that He loves them more than anything, and that He will give them all they need, when I am not always believing those things myself? It's frustrating to me when I realize these things, because it seems like I should get them by now. However, I'm also thankful for these learning experiences, because life is a process and it just means I am continuing to be refined. I love the fact that I can never stop learning more about my God. That's exciting to me. And I just find it slightly amusing that here lately a lot of my learning experiences have taken place at rock shows :).

For My Daddy

He probably thought I'd forgotten about him :). I've intended to write this for awhile, but there has been so much going on and I didn't want to rush through writing it just to get it written. That's not my purpose in any of my posts, writing just to write. What to say about my Daddy? I can't imagine having a better person as a dad. He taught me how to write a good paper and give a good speech (tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you told them). He taught me about evaluation criteria. He is living prove that you can't let the circumstances life gives you determine the person you are going to become or what you're going to do with your life. He is an awesome example of a godly father and husband. No matter how far away he is my mom receives flowers for all special occasions and sometimes just because. He also doesn't allow anyone to show her any disrespect, and that has always meant a lot to me. He never lets his physical absence prevent him from telling my sisters, mom and I how much he loves us and how proud he is of us. I know a lot of people that say he is scary, and it's probably good that some are afraid of him :), but I also know that once you know him he isn't so scary anymore. He is the funniest person I know. He is kind and caring. I remember once we were driving home from something, and we saw a kitten being attacked by some dogs. Even though he has big time allergies where animals are concerned, especially cats, he got out and saved the kitten. He is always stopping to help people with flat tires, or push a car that has died. He questions the purpose behind things, and doesn't accept something just because "that's how it's always been done." I wouldn't say that Army life has been easy on our family, but I am extremely proud of the service he continues to do for our country. While I certainly wouldn't wish him away, especially when he has had to be gone for so much of our lives already, I admire that he is willing to go anywhere for any amount of time when he believes it is where God wants him to go. He is a living example of taking initiative and giving 100% no matter what it is you may be doing. I know he probably would have really enjoyed having a son, but I appreciate the way he has raised my sisters and I. I am thankful that he didn't let us grow up to be a bunch of girly girls, and that he taught us how to swing a bat, play catch, and throw a football. But he didn't try to turn us into a bunch of boys either. I remember dancing with him in the living room while we listened to Harry Connick Jr. I also remember listening to Welcome to the Jungle and Stray Cat Strut :). He has always placed a high priority on family, and I don't know that all family members always realize that. I am thankful that I can talk to him about any part of my life, that he will give his input, and then let me make the decision. And he doesn't count me as a failure, even when I make silly mistakes. He helps me get back on my feet, dust myself off, and continue on. I wish that some people would realize the advice he is giving them is very sound and wise, he has never led me astray. And that he shares his thoughts and opinions because he cares. He has shown me what it's like to persevere- whether it's making it through countless deployments, or continuing to try to help someone that most would've given up on a long time ago. No matter how old I get, he will always be just a phone call away (though depending on what time zone he's in I may have to wait for him to call back :) ). Daddy, I love you very much!!

Knowing and Knowing

It's "funny" to me how long it takes me to realize things sometimes. I imagine God up there shaking his head at me because I'm a little slow sometimes ("You'll have to excuse my friend, he's a little slow...the towns back that way." Can anyone name that movie? lol) I know God doesn't really do that because He is patient. The Bible compares us to sheep all the time, and I think that is very fitting. My mom's aunt and uncle used to have sheep down at their farm, and I remember watching them and thinking how silly they were. One of them would make some movement that would spook another, so it would take off running which would cause the others to run too. Then they'd just stop and look around like, "What?" and go back to eating. I think Christians do that too. The sheep didn't seem to realize that they were in a safe area being looked out for, and that whatever movement they were seeing wasn't something to be afraid of. No matter what this world throws at us, if we have a personal relationship with Jesus we don't need to take off running anytime there is some commotion that frightens us. We aren't promised an easy road, we are just promised that we don't have to go alone.
Faith has been on my mind a lot lately. Back in 2007 my pastor had me read an entry in Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" because it related to something I was going through at the time. That was interesting to me because for as long as I can remember my mom has had a copy of that on a little bench that is usually in the living room of whatever house we're living in. Growing up I thought it was a "fancy" book because it was leather bound, with the gold edged pages and had a bookmark. Besides when I tried to read it I couldn't for the life of me understand it. Since I read that first entry that my pastor shared, I have read through the book a couple of times. I go back to that first entry a lot (December 18) because it reminds me of what I've come through to get where I am today, and because sometimes I seem to think I know all I need to know and it also reminds me that I most certainly do not. (Side note: My Utmost is a really awesome daily devotional, you should definitely have a copy or at least go to myutmost.org and you can do the daily readings there) Around the same time that my pastor passed that entry on to me a friend shared 2 Timothy 1:12 with me, which says, "That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." At that time I would read that verse over and over every day and I did that for a few months. I think I shared in a past post that I got myself a new Bible because I felt like I was just going to the verses I had underlined and not really looking for anything new from God's word, and I also got a different translation to shake things up a little as well. I've kinda avoided that verse, because I felt like I knew what I needed to know about it. Who am I to think that I could ever know all there is to know about anything about God or His word? Foolish girl I was on that one. All this to say that here lately I have been reminded of things I felt like I "knew" that maybe I did know in my head, but I wasn't taking them to heart and really living them out. Knowing something and actually living like you know something are completely different things.
Like I said, faith has been on my mind a lot lately. Every year when VBS time rolls around I have myself a little melt down. Every year I am reminded that God provides exactly what we need. We have never been without resources or workers. Our VBS may look a little different than others, but we are a different church and that is ok. Every year I am overwhelmed at how God supplies exactly what we need. You'd think that after growing up in church and having a personal relationship with Him for most of my life these things would not be a surprise to me. I feel foolish for doubting, and rightfully so. I hope I never quit being overwhelmed by what He does and how He does it though. There's a quote I saw somewhere that says, "God tries our faith so that we may try His faithfulness." It never fails that when I think I've reached the end and that I'm just going to quit He comes blazing through with just what I needed. Or He is that soft wind that is so very comforting. I'm not exaclty sure where I'm going with all this... I suppose it's all just to say that when we think we've reached the end He will always come through. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, "If we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." The Bible also says that in our weakness He is strong, so maybe we need to reach the end for Him to really come through...stop trying to do it on our own because really what can we do on our own? Wear ourselves out and get the same disappointing results.
Plumb has a song called "Better" that I greatly enjoy, and there is one line that has always stuck out to me, "In the end what leaves you broken makes you better." I don't think we need to go seeking out things that are going to leave us broken, but I think the times that break us down are also when we experience the most growth. That has been my personal experience. The times of brokenness are when you can really see where you are placing your faith and readjust your life appropriately. Another quote I really like (apparently I'm full of them tonight) says, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." (Margaret Thatcher said that, fyi). Back to what I said in the beginning, sometimes I'm not so quick to catch on to what God is teaching me. I also think I will spend my whole life going through some of those processes though, because, as I also said, I can never know all there is to know about Him. One thing I should have down by now is to know that I can trust Him absolutely because even when I am faithless He is faithful. I do "know" that, I just need to work on living like I know that :)

For My Mum :)

I told my mom in her Mother's Day cards this year that she has been my mom for so long that I am running out of ways to tell her how wonderful she is and how thankful I am to have her as my mother so from here on out I'm just going to write "ditto" in the card :). If you know my mom, or anything about her you know that she is an amazing person...obviously if she produced a daughter like me haha, kidding! (Disclaimer: I have taken some medicine for my allergies, probably shouldn't have done that before writing this...). When I think of all the things that she has done, or all the things that she's involved with right now..it makes me tired. I don't know how she does it. I was born while she (and my dad) were in college, and she was pregnant with Jessica when she graduated. I can't imagine having a husband and small children while completing a degree. She minored in math because she took so many math classes as electives because she loves math...I just can't imagine doing that at all :). She has dealt with my sisters and I through my dad's multiple deployments, not to mention any of his various trips, TDYs, going to the fields and what have yous. Whenever I had a field trip or school party she could be counted on to be there and helping. All my friends always loved her. In fact, I was looking at my middle school year book the other day and I think there were more messages to her than to me :). She has been a coach, a Sunday School teacher, a Bible Study leader, a home school mom, score keeper, pampered chef, Salvation Army women's auxiliary something or the other, not to mention mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, friend...and many more I know I'm leaving out. I have never seen her flustered or freaking out about all that she has going on. She has talked me through multiple freak out sessions though. I always know that if there is no one else for me to turn to I can call my mom...she'll listen to me, and it's pretty much guaranteed she'll say something that will at least make me smile. I'm very comforted knowing that if friends let me down, I still have my mom to go to. All through my freshman year at OBU I'd get cards from her, a lot of them started out, "Well, I'm sitting at volleyball/basketball practice..." and she'd just fill me in on her day, include an encouraging word for me, and sometimes she'd stick whatever money she had in her pocket in there...$7 here, $5 there. I think those helped me survive that first year. I still get notes like that (I've noticed the money has gone missing...hmmm...), and they always seem to come at just the right moment. I remember our first year of home schooling. Originally I was going to be the only one home schooled, just for high school, but after my parents went to that conference they decided to go ahead and do that with all four of us. That first year was so crazy. I think I would have decided to go another route after that, but she stuck it out and has successfully passed two daughters on to college with Stefanie so very close. I also remember my senior year at OBU. A lot went on in our family that year. Daddy was gone, and Grandmama was living in Lawton with my mom and Stef and Hannah, because she was sick and couldn't live by herself. My mom was still her regular upbeat self that whole time. I can't think of any time I ever heard her complain. She did what she had to do, and was there for me when I had a crisis in my personal life. I know some women who don't handle there husband being gone overnight anywhere near as well as my mom handles my dad's absences. On a past blog I've posted a friend of ours from Germany quoted my mom to me, and I think that says a lot about the kind of influence she has on people. Like with my sisters, I could write about my mom all day and I still don't think I could capture all of who she is. I love her so incredibly much, and am so thankful to have her as an example of a godly woman. If you don't know her, you should because you are definitely missing out!

For My Sisters

It's not always easy being one of four girls. I feel like sometimes people view us as more of a "unit" than as four individual people, you know, "The Madison girls". I don't know that that is so much an issue now that I'm doing this whole "grown up" thing, and Jess is in college, but we are definitely very much four different people. I am very thankful for each of my sisters, we're a pretty close bunch, and I know a lot of that has to do with our lifestyle growing up. With our dad being in the Army we were always moving, and every time that we moved we only had one another. I also think that when we started homeschooling my freshman year of high school we definitely started growing closer. I remember that first year, it was crazy! I definitely do not enjoy confrontation, and for the most part when something happens to me that I don't care for I won't really say much (at least to the person doing me wrong), and I feel like I'm mostly laid back and that it takes more to make me really mad. However, say or do anything to my family and I'm instantly up and ready to fight. There are two very specific times I can think of that I got extremely upset, and actually got very verbal with someone, and both times involved things that happened to my sisters. At basketball games I take note of the girls fouling my sisters...I realize it's part of the game, but it is not ok to mess with my sisters! Anyway, Hannah is about to turn 16, Stefanie is going to be graduating high school, and Jess is headed off to Africa in the fall...and I get extremely sad thinking about it. So, I want to dedicate this blog to my sisters, and all the things I find wonderful about them!

Jessica: I have some very specific memories about the time before and right after she was born. I remember one day walking past our parents talking about if the baby would be a boy or girl, and they were saying they wanted a boy. I just said, "I want a sister," and continued on my way...lo and behold there she were. I also remember a day that everyone came to see the new baby, and no one stopped to say hi to me and I didn't understand why, but I try to not hold that against her ;). It's funny to me to think about our relationship, because for a long time I thought of her as my annoying little sister, yet she was always the one that I would come talk to when something was bothering me or I just didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I remember how much we used to fight..and not just yelling at one another, but punching, biting, scratching, the works. Until that night Daddy made us fight til we were begging to quit...I guess it worked, because we never beat each other up again. We've called her Pocahontas for a very long time, and I think that's a nickname that still holds true. I remember looking out our kitchen window in NC seeing her do what I like to call your "Pocahontas walk" as she'd try to catch squirrels or whatever other critters were passing through our yard. We may have our differences from time to time, but we are always always able to talk it out. It's hard for me to think about her being half way around the world for an entire semester, and I know there are things about it that are frightening to her, but I also know that it is an awesome experience that God is allowing her, and I am so extremely excited for her. She's my Jessita sister and I love her dearly.

Stefanie: So, I remember before Stef was born I had a dream that my mom had the baby and it was a boy. I got up and looked in the crib that was already set up in our room the next morning, thinking that I really did have a little brother...turns out my mom was still pregnant, and turns out she did not have a boy. I don't remember Stefanie actually being born, which makes me sad, but I do remember getting to hold her, and that was a big deal. Stefanie has always been beautiful, with her big blue eyes, dark hair (that was curly and stinking cute when she was little...not saying it's not cute now, Stef!), and ridiculous skin that gets more tan when she just thinks about the sun. It's funny to me that I dreamed she was a boy, and she ended up being the most tomboy of us girls. I know Jess and I used to get so irritated with her because she'd just wear basketball shorts and tshirts ALL the time, and she could look cute wearing anything, which most girls can't say. I love her sense of humor, and I love how incredibly caring and thoughtful she is. She bought me a silverware set when I graduated high school, and I still have that silverware, and it is very special to me, because it is from her. I've enjoyed watching her grow up, even though I feel like with her and Hannah I missed a part of their lives because they both suddenly grew up while I was away at college... I think I've been in denial that she is growing up, and I think that is part of the reason I cried when I saw her in the first prom dress she tried on and why I still sometimes cry when I stalk all her prom pictures :). Stefanie, you are such an awesome little person (I'm glad you are still shorter than me!! lol), and I am praying that college opens you up so that more people can know how amazing you are! I'm so excited about you living closer to me!

Hannah: Oh, Hannah. The day you were born I came home from school, found out it was another girl, and went up to my room :). I'm sorry that at age 6 I wasn't more excited, if I'd known what you would be like I definitely would've been. Hannah has always been her own person. She was fixing her own food and putting herself down for naps when she was three. We'd all be downstairs, and someone would say, "Where's Hannah?" So, we'd go looking for her, and there she'd be asleep because she got tired. For some reason she got the whole concept of "if you're tired, you should sleep" that most small children never seem to grasp. Hannah also used to be the scariest of us all ;). She could hold her own in a fight with any of us, and we'd actually fight over who had to sit next to her in her carseat because if she got mad, and you were in arms length, your hair would be pulled and you'd be beat. However, she is also extremely sweet. Once we drove over a really long bridge (I think it was on the way to Niagra Falls), and I was scared because some bridges freak me out, and Hannah stuck her little hand out and held my hand the whole way. Another time, when we lived in NC I was really sick, and Hannah sat by the couch and held my hand til I fell asleep...and she was only three. She is extremely creative, and very thoughtful. She is a hard worker. I've always said that Jess and Stef are very naturally athletic whereas Hannah and I have to work at it a little more, and Hannah will definitely put in the effort. If she wants something, she does what needs to be done to get it. She doesn't care much what people think of her, and that is something I very much admire about her. I can't believe she is going to be 16 in a few weeks...what is the world coming too? Hannah, good luck next year when you are home without all of us :).

All of my sisters are growing up into these beautiful young ladies who I am extremely proud of, and I don't think I can say it enough. I could go on and on about how awesome they are, and I talk about them any chance I get, I'm all about bragging on them :). Jessi Lou, Stefanooch, and Hannah Banana I love each one of you so very very much, and I hope that is something that you never doubt or question! It freaks me out that you are all growing up, but I'm also so excited to see what God has in store for you all. Just let me know if there is anyone I need to take out for you :)